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BREAKING: FBI Says It’s Too Busy Investigating “Structural Racism” To Deal with Thugs Attacking SCOTUS Justices [SATIRE]

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NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

Things got crazy for the Supreme Court and DC area generally on Tuesday when radical pro-abortion protesters took things up a notch and showed their commitment to something other than life by trying to assassinate the five conservative justices.

Antifa, acting on the orders of George Soros, carried out an attempted hit, getting close to the houses of the justices by joining up with the crowds of bitter, lonely women already protesting there, and then, when the opportunity presented itself, attempting to storm the residences.

Problem was, the Antifa thugs were, well, Antifa thugs, so all were injured in the attempted assault. Two of the five were morbidly obese and had heart attacks when attempting to sprint the 30 yards from the road to the front door, one of the five (the one at Alito’s residence) somehow managed to die of a heroin overdose by the time she made it to the door, and two others tripped and shot themselves because they weren’t practicing proper trigger discipline. Oops.

So, fortunately, the attack wasn’t a success.

But all faith in the FBI was demolished when it announced that it didn’t have the time to focus on the assassination attempts because it was too busy investigating the “structural racism present in all aspects of American life, but particularly the Bureau itself.”


Director Wray, making that widely denounced and derided announcement, said:

Sorry, folks, but we have to focus on what’s important. A few failed and attempted crimes? Now why would those be worth our time when compared to the massive threat posed to society by structural racism?

“I mean, we just finished investigating the Bubba Wallace incident, determining that the ‘noose’ was, in fact, just a pulley. Are we supposed to move on from all that good work just because of one little coordinated terror campaign on the outskirts of the nation’s capital? I think not!¬†



“No, racism and climate change are the real threats, not the domestic terror network known as Antifa and whatever dark money groups are financing it for their own nefarious ends! So, to figure out the real problem, we’re going to start a Bureau-wide equity campaign to ensure that we’re not at all racist.

“White agents will be fired because of their race while black ones are hired because of theirs, offices will be rearranged according to the principles of anti-racism, and every last vestige of Hoover’s FBI will be gone for good! Maybe once we’re done with all those big objectives we’ll have time to look into the assassination attempt.”

Mitch McConnell also jumped in to defend the FBI, saying “we in the GOP understand racism is a real problem, and though we’d respectfully suggest they look into this assassination too, would never do anything to get in the way of the fight against racism! Because that’s what being a RINO¬† errr, rock-ribbed conservative, means!

National trust in the FBI and Congress dropped to a record low of 0.2% as a result of the announcements.

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