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Disney Relocates Its Orlando Theme Parks Outside Chinese Uighur Camps for Freer and More Inclusive Environments

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    Disney CEO Bob Chapek announced to his Florida-based employees that beginning January 1st, 2023, they would all be moving to China in response to the hate-filled, homophobic legislation signed by Governor Ron DeSantis. 

    Chapek stated emphatically that he could no longer live and work in a state filled with so much hatred and intolerance. DeSantis, after all, signed the Parental Rights in Education bill that made it illegal to indoctrinate students as young as five into gender theory and various woke offshoots. 

    In addition to announcing the move, the Disney CEO also revealed that he had many offers to uproot Cinderella’s Castle. One of those offers came from Colorado Governor Jared Polis, who welcomed the kid- and family-friendly company to the Rockies. Polis shared how much he loved children right after signing the state’s most expansive access to abortion in the country. 

    Much like China, Polis believes he can decide what humans are worthy of dignity, freedom, rights, and life. In his own words, “a fertilized egg, embryo, or fetus does not have independent or derivative rights under the laws of the state.” Chapek admitted it was hard not to move an entertainment conglomerate that has made billions of dollars off children-oriented content to a state that despises them.

    Instead, he ultimately wanted to move to Xinjiang. His company previously had success filming Mulan in the area. Moreover, he welcomes the idea of cheap labor that can operate rides, dress up as beloved characters, and not attempt to unionize over pitiful working conditions and pay.

    Several employees cried upon hearing the news via Zoom.

    “This is the best day of my life!”

    One employee pretended to spike a football and exclaimed in Super Bowl-winning fashion: “I’m going to Disney!”

    “No more hatred, intolerance, xenophobia, and oppression! Finally, we are free!” 



    Making the transition confusing was the Chinese Communist Party’s publicly released statement on the news Disney would be headquarter and operating from its provinces. Part of that statement included a segment from Wikipedia, certainly not an outlet friendly to Ron DeSantis and other folks that make the lives of queer non-binary pansexuals impossible. That passage reads:

    “Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people in the People’s Republic of China face legal and social challenges that are not experienced by non-LGBT residents. Same-sex couples are unable to marry or adopt, and households headed by such couples are ineligible for the same legal protections available to heterosexual couples. China provides no anti-discrimination protections for LGBT people, nor does it prohibit hate crimes based on sexual orientation and gender identity.”

    How do you say “oops” in Chinese?

    In reply to the troubling realities of Chinese relations with such communities, Chapek issued a second memorandum. In it, he admitted that he is a woke corporate sellout and would be moving to China anyways, since that’s where all of their money is going to be made in the future. The American market has only 330 million increasingly poor people, thanks to the politicians he endorses, and so it only makes financial sense to move to China anyways and welcome a bigger audience.

    At least he’s honest.

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