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“More Stoli Than Jack, More Putin Than Washington”: Nancy Pelosi Returned To Russia During Diplomatic Discussions

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, third in line for presidential succession and first in line after last call is made at her Capitol bar, was told to remain in Moscow during the American envoy’s most recent diplomatic mission to the sanctioned nation on account of being more Russian than most Russians.

    “She has much more Stolichnaya in her veins than the average man in Siberia, “said lead negotiator Sergei Kimelkov. “Our team is actually quite impressed how she stays up so late with intravenous application and wakes up early to brush her teeth with Russian juice.” 

    Asked for comment on whether or not she has a vodka drip set up, Pelosi’s chief spokeswoman declined to comment. However, she did mention that, because she lives in California, she will no longer use the title of chief to convey her position within the staff, and she would also no longer use the term spokeswoman since many of Pelosi’s San Francisco voters are uncomfortable with basic sexual distinctions – physical, grammatical, or otherwise. There was also an issue of ableism, since not everyone can speak.

    From now on, this person’s title will simply be: 

    Kimelkov also noted how most of Nancy Pelosi’s policy prescriptions are more totalitarian than any current Russian head of state. 

    “She is thoroughly corrupt in her financial and business dealings. What does it say when the Nancy Pelosi ETF has the highest returns in the entire market? All too often she places call and put options on a stock, and then BAM!, she makes a couple million dollars.”

    The Russian delegation continued with its assessment of Pelosi.

    “Despite accusing President Putin of being a warmonger, it is she who actually advocated loudly for the United States to fund NATO, and ridiculed former president Donald Trump for making Europe pay its fair share. She wanted the United States to be the sole instigator in Eastern Europe. What’s more, she has led the way in sending over $50 billion U.S. dollars to Ukraine in the form of military expenditures. If this is not representative of being a fierce warhawk, I do not know what constitutes such a thing.” 

    “And, on domestic issues, she wants the federal apparatus to spy on citizens, steal their freedoms, redistribute wealth, and degrade the culture. She is a real monster. And that is saying something, because we have known some real monsters here.”

    Upon hearing of her hotel confinement, Pelosi staggered into the nearest room and passed out. She awoke from a call from Canadian tyrant Justin Trudeau, who assured her that extended stays in hotels was completely normal. “All of my subjects stayed in them for two weeks against their will when they traveled,: he said, “and they did just fine.

    Nancy Pelosi had attempted to return home after her husband was taken from the scene of crime at 4:00am in Napa County. Paul Pelosi was intoxicated and crashed his car into a second vehicle. No one was hurt, but drunk driving was immediately blamed on Donald Trump and his Ultra-MAGA followers.

    Hailey Sanibel fiercely loves freedom. She is a contributing author at The Liberty Leader and writes regularly at The Blue State Conservative.

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