NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Ready for yet more nonsense from the blue hairs? Well here it is: now Mayor Pete and co (the train-loving mayor is finally over his case of monkeypox) are pushing a ridiculous study coming out of the University of San Francisco claiming that…wait for it…wait for it…monkeypox is “actually a good thing.”
Yes, really. Mayor Pete not only tweeted out the link to the article 15 times after it leaked that one of his adopted kids has a case of monkeypox (yikes, time for the cops to get involved on that front), but actually gave a speech on it to an assembled crowd in the Kennedy Center, saying:
“Hopefully this report will finally show the line that monkeypox is somehow bad, or even a sign of America’s evil drift toward degeneracy, to bed. Nothing of the sort is true! Quite the opposite, in fact. According to this groundbreaking, progressive-minded study, it’s actually a good thing!
“How so? Well I’ll tell you. It leads to, and this is according to the highly reputable, very scientific study, enhanced weight loss, an opportunity to show that you’re a homosexual or bisexual and share that information with those close to you, provides a welcome break from work, and even gives you an opportunity to try out different sex acts that don’t lead to the spread of monkeypox!
“Now that all sounds pretty great to me, particularly the weight loss. Don’t tell Chastin, but before my series of monkeypox cases I was starting to add a spare tire to my tummy thanks to those delicious pastries Dr. Jill has kept around the White House in case President Biden needs a snack. Let me tell ya, a few bearclaws and muffins a day does not a small stomach make.
“But now, thanks to my monkeypox cases, I’ve lost a whopping 17 pounds! I barely felt the urge to eat anything…other than some delicious chicken noodle soup that Chastin made to cheer me up when I was too sick to attend the orgy at the Turkish bath hou—err, local gay men’s poker and beer night. It was delicious!
“And all those other benefits are the real deal too. You get to mix things up in the bedroom, share details about your personal life with well-wishers, friends, and family, and you get to take some time off work! I know I was getting tired of having to show up to work and deal with supply chains and stuff every day…it’s super boring and I’d much rather be at home with the kiddos, of course!
“So, thanks to this study sharing the truth about monkeypox, we get to all start living better, healthier lives. It’s time to start spreading that message!”
The audience, most of which had monkeypox, tried clapping but was mostly out of energy.