NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The Biden White House just released a statement on the wildfires in Canada that have covered much of the United States in smoke. In the statement, it described what the administration has so far done to fight wildfires, which is mainly spend money on diversity-related enterprises, and also said:
More than 100 million Americans are under Air Quality Index Alerts due to smoke drift from historic wildfire activity throughout Canada, which is facing one of its worst wildfire seasons on record. There are over 425 active wildfires in Canada and nearly 10 million acres have burned, 17 times the 20-year average. Since January 1, 2023, 19,574 wildfires have burned 616,486 acres across the United States. Most current large fire activity in the United States is concentrated in the Southwest.
These latest events are another stark reminder of how the climate crisis is disrupting communities across the country. That’s why from day one President Biden recognized climate change as one of the four crises facing our nation, and why he made historic investments to tackle the climate crisis and strengthen community resilience.
Completely left out of the statement was that many suspect Hunter Biden started one of the wildfires by smoking crack in a forest, somewhere where he thought no one would find him and tell him to put down the crack pipe and get his life together to stop embarrassing his dad.
News on that came from a former officer in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, who told CNN on the phone, “Yeah, we have Hunter in a jail cell up here. He was caught with a crack pipe, a half-full bag of crack cocaine, and a half-empty box of matches. He was saying, when we found him, that he used matches instead of a lighter because he was worried about microplastics from the lighter. Anyway, we think he lit a match, lit the pipe, zonked out, and then left. But he probably left the match smoldering in some pine needles or whatever and they caught fire when the wind started blowing and then that just spiraled out of control. He’s still high, so he has like zero idea what’s going on.”
We say “former” because that RCMP officer appears to have been “suicided” by the Clinton Foundation, as he was found with cuts across his body and 7 gunshots to his chest, but his death was ruled a “suicide” by a local coroner that then left for a 3-month trip to Ecuador. The White House did not comment on those claims in any form, nor was Hunter spotted in DC or Canada.