NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Taking major action to dig even deeper into the hilarious mess that is the Hunter Biden scandal now that he and his friends at the Babylon Bee can say whatever they want about it on Twitter, Tesla CEO, Twitter troll, visionary entrepreneur, and new Twitter owner CEO just added yet another company to his holdings: the computer shop that repaired Hunter Biden’s laptops and ended up getting them to the Republicans before 2020.
Commenting on that decision to buy the shop, Elon said “Well, like, the Secret Service was too incompetent to go recover whatever else was there. Or at least that’s what the owner of it told me. So I paid him like $3 million for all he’s done in cash, plus a few thousand Tesla shares, and he handed me the keys. It was totally worth it as an investment, because my video of walking into the place and poking around brought so many people to Twitter that the ad dollars actually balanced out my way above valuation purchase of the shop. It was pretty great.”
Continuing, he added to that by saying what he plans on doing with the place: “We’re gonna turn over every nook and cranny in here. Every last bit of the hard drives and their copies that Poso sent us, everything in this shop, everything on the equipment used in this shop…it’s all ours now and we’re going to look into every last tiny drop of it. Every last one, you have my word. It’s gonna be so awesome.”
Apparently Elon founds something of value in the shop, as he later tweeted out that he had “new and highly disturbing revelations” to make about Hunter, though he declined to give any much-wished for insight into what those might be.
Joe Biden viciously attacked Elon for his purchase of the shop, saying that it was “unfathomably evil” for him to “keep rooting around the Biden family to dig up dirt, ruining lives every step of the way.” He also added that his DOJ might look into Elon for anti-trust violations, though conversations on that were stopped dead in their tracks when Elon countered by saying “What, do I have a monopoly on info on what your degenerate son has been up to? If so do you really want to mess with me?” Biden then tweeted that NASA would soon announce a $15 billion partnership with Space X.
Other than that riposte, however, Elon has stayed silent and off Twitter for 24 hours, meaning that he’s either crashed and needs to sleep for the first time ever, or he found something good in the shop and is minutely examining it. Hopefully it’s the latter.