NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden just gave a speech on climate change and how his administration is fighting that phantom menace, with the president bizarrely claiming during the meeting that climate change was the spark that started hurricanes, though he didn’t explain what science shows that to be the case or how storms started before “pollution.” In any case, he said, during the speech:
Eight years ago, the world came together in Paris to announce a historic commitment to address climate change and protect the planet for future generations. On my very first day in office, I took action to return the United States to the Paris Agreement, restoring America’s global climate leadership.
Since then, my Administration has set the United States on an unprecedented course to tackle the climate crisis at home and abroad – securing the largest climate investment in the history of the world, unlocking clean energy breakthroughs that will power a clean economy and create thousands of jobs, and rallying leaders around the world to raise our collective ambition.
Today, at COP28, world leaders reached another historic milestone – committing, for the first time, to transition away from the fossil fuels that jeopardize our planet and our people, agreeing to triple renewable energy globally by 2030, and more. While there is still substantial work ahead of us to keep the 1.5 degree C goal within reach, today’s outcome puts us one significant step closer. But we didn’t just arrive at this inflection point. Vulnerable countries have called on major economies to take urgent action. And in every corner of the world, young people are making their voices heard, demanding action from those in power. They remind us that a better, more equitable world is within our grasp. We will not let them down.
The climate crisis is the existential threat of our time. But as America has always done, we will turn crisis into opportunity – creating clean energy jobs, revitalizing communities, and improving quality of life.
Then, continuing on with his speech on the matter, Biden said, “Look, folks, this is a real issue. A big one. A lot of people don’t know this, but this is a new issue. These hurricanes and all the wild stuff going on right now. The tornadoes and the big thunderstorms that make those scary noises, and the cyclones you see in those crazy videos from Thailand…all of that is new, Jack! You gotta realize that. It’s a fact, Jack.”
“Like you gotta see it. All this science, it shows hurricanes never happened before we got those factories and such going. All the nasty pollution and such. Like with the coal. That’s dirty stuff, man. Real dirty. Black! So we gotta look at how we can stop hurricanes and all those other nasty storms! I mean, we gotta do something. And look, we can, man. This is all new stuff, Jack!”