NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It was yet another embarrassing “wires crossed” moment for our senile president when, on Thursday, he tried giving an address at the funeral of a dead senator he used to work with and then tried to, when he got confused, fist fight with the dead senator’s widow.
What appears to have happened is Biden was mindlessly reading his script on the matter when he got to the word fight. That woke up some part of his brain and he decided that that was the time to start fighting, and the closest person nearby was the 90-year-old widow.
The fist fight came shortly after Biden began his speech, with him saying:
Lowell Weicker and I served together in the U.S. Senate for nearly two decades. He was blunt, brave, committed to his convictions, and fiercely independent. And I was proud to call him a friend. Throughout his career – from his days as a young Republican senator on the frontlines of the Watergate hearings, to his years as an independent governor who ignored politics to do what he believed was right – Lowell had the courage to take tough stands, speak the truth, and stand up for the better angels of our nation.
He built an extraordinary record of service to the people of Connecticut and to our country – serving in the United States Army, as well as in local and state government, and as a U.S. congressman, senator, governor, and presidential candidate. He fought for disability rights, helping to lay the groundwork for passage of the civil rights landmark Americans with Disabilities Act; and worked in Congress and for a decade after to boost funding for medical research and disease prevention. Throughout, Lowell was guided not by party, but by principle. He was a fearless moderating force who stood up for those who couldn’t always stand for themselves – and he relished the fight.
Then came the fistfight. Upon hearing himself say “relished the fight,” Biden’s brain went into fight or flight mode and chose “fight.” So he raised his fists as in a fisticuffs fight and started yelling about how he plans on “teaching Cornpop a lesson” with his “masculine vigor and rock-hard fists.”
The widow was shocked and not sure what Biden was doing, so she just stared mutely and open-mouthed at the senile, raging president until Dr. Jill came onstage and talked him down with promises of oatmeal and “as much jello as [he] can eat” if he stopped yelling and threatening to fight.
He went along with that and then, acting like nothing had happened, went back to just reading the speech mindlessly again and everyone sat back down in the hopes that he’d just stay quiet and stop yelling.