NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Kamala had another horrible day on Wednesday. That was when she returned home to Los Angeles and tried playing buddy buddy with the local firefighters, much to their chagrin and her embarrassment. It started with her rambling about some random connection she has to firefighters and then uttering vague generalities in support of first responders, saying:
Well, good morning to all of you. And Happy Fourth. It was so important to us to be able to, as a symbol of the gratitude we have for the work that you do every day, to come here on our day of independence to thank you all. I was just sharing with some of the leaders: My husband, Doug — his brother just retired as a firefighter in Santa Cruz. So it’s personal to us, as well as professional.
My entire career I’ve been so honored to work with California firefighters. And you all do God’s work. And in particular, you know where we are in terms of what’s happening with the climate, what we’re dealing with in terms of extreme weather occurrences, whether it is fires or floods. You all are front center on all of these issues. And then, for this particular station, what you deal with here in terms of medical emergencies, what you have to deal with in terms of human condition, and do it with a perspective that is about being strong and enforcing what is important about the safety of the community, but also dealing with human condition in a way that it touches your heart sometimes, in terms of what you see.
You all do such extraordinary work that is about sacrifice, away from your family, being willing to go into dangerous situations. And you don’t — you don’t (inaudible) enough. But we’re working on that. We’ve been able — President Biden and I (inaudible) more benefits for federal firefighters, and we hope that that is something that we can do that is a model of what we want to do more locally.
But then she ran out of the somewhat non-nonsense part of the speech and got to the “ad lib” part which she, a source within her entourage told us, planned to use to build rapport with the firefighters who had been forced to listen to her. As could be predicted given how poorly every other attempt at ad-libbing has gone for her since she became VP, that went very, very, very poorly.
“And you know what,” she said, “fires are bad. Really bad. Like things can burn down and that’s bad. So firefighting, which puts out the fires, is good. Firefighting is good…and fires are bad…so you are good because you fight the fires.”
That led to open-mouthed staring from the firefighters, furious that they had to use their time off to listen to the rambling idiot. Sensing they didn’t care about her take on fires, Kamala tried jumping to a new topic, saying, “And fires are hot…really hot sometimes. You know what else is hot? Caribbean jerk chicken, which I love because of my Jamaican heritage.”
That was too much for the firefighters, who then just turned around and left because they were too tired of listening to her.