NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Fitch Ratings, a bond rating firm, downgraded the US national debt on August 1st, saying, “The rating downgrade of the United States reflects the expected fiscal deterioration over the next three years, a high and growing general government debt burden, and the erosion of governance relative to ‘AA’ and ‘AAA’ rated peers over the last two decades that has manifested in repeated debt limit standoffs and last-minute resolutions.”
Continuing, it added, “In Fitch’s view, there has been a steady deterioration in standards of governance over the last 20 years, including on fiscal and debt matters, notwithstanding the June bipartisan agreement to suspend the debt limit until January 2025. The repeated debt-limit political standoffs and last-minute resolutions have eroded confidence in fiscal management. In addition, the government lacks a medium-term fiscal framework, unlike most peers, and has a complex budgeting process. These factors, along with several economic shocks as well as tax cuts and new spending initiatives, have contributed to successive debt increases over the last decade. Additionally, there has been only limited progress in tackling medium-term challenges related to rising social security and Medicare costs due to an aging population.”
KJP, in a statement on the matter, said, “We strongly disagree with this decision. The ratings model used by Fitch declined under President Trump and then improved under President Biden, and it defies reality to downgrade the United States at a moment when President Biden has delivered the strongest recovery of any major economy in the world. And it’s clear that extremism by Republican officials—from cheerleading default, to undermining governance and democracy, to seeking to extend deficit-busting tax giveaways for the wealthy and corporations—is a continued threat to our economy.”
But that wasn’t all. Continuing, she said, “Look, this decision it…it well, umm, it came out of London. We have to protest that VERY strongly. Just think about all of the good things that the United States has done for, umm, for London and the British. WE helped during, umm, World War II and the, uhhh, the other war before that one when they needed it. Like a lot. So we don’t see why they’re attacking us like this.”
She then added, “And, look, well, we need the money. We have a huge government that does lots of good things, like funding women’s studies programs in Pakistan and ship weapons to world human trafficking hub Ukraine, so we have to keep that going. Like, umm, well, where will we get the money if we can’t raise it with debt? And it’s not like we can stop sending checks to underserved, minority communities that need it. Food stamps are a must. And that’s a fact.”
“So we need to get this decision changed ASAP, because if you look at what it’s going to do to minority communities, that is like super racist. And we, in the Team Biden White House, stand like, umm, very much against racism of any sort, including financial,” she said, concluding her remarks.