NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Kamala Harris just handed out millions of dollars to crack dealers across the country in an “underserved entrepreneurs” event. Announcing the program, she said:
Today, Vice President Kamala Harris will announce the 43 winners of the $125 million American Rescue Plan-funded Capital Readiness Program (CRP) awards competition, critical funding that will help underserved entrepreneurs launch and scale their small businesses—a key pillar of Bidenomics.
The CRP is the latest American Rescue Plan investment in navigation and support services for small businesses, building upon the $300 million in funds already announced or deployed through the Small Business Administration’s (SBA) Community Navigator Program and the Treasury Department’s State Small Business Credit Initiative (SSBCI). Under the Biden-Harris Administration, the United States has seen the strongest showing for new business applications on record—12.6 million—and recent reports show that the U.S. is continuing that trend in 2023 – a sign of confidence from entrepreneurs that Bidenomics is working. Vice President Harris will announce the awards while visiting a local D.C. minority-owned retail village, Sycamore & Oak, that houses other local small businesses.
The Capital Readiness Program is the largest-ever direct Federal investment in small business incubators and accelerators of its kind. Administered by the Minority Business Development Agency (MBDA), which was made permanent and expanded thanks to the President’s Bipartisan Infrastructure Law, the Capital Readiness Program is also the largest initiative in the over 50-year history of the MBDA.
Kamala, discussing the handouts, said, “President Biden and I firmly believe that for America’s economy to be strong, America’s small businesses must be strong. I am proud to announce that we will invest an additional $125 million in small businesses across our country through a national network of small business incubators and accelerators. President Biden and I are fighting to ensure that every entrepreneur in America — no matter who they are or where they live — can access the capital to start or grow a business, create jobs, and thrive.”
But then online investigators did some digging. What they found was that, rather than having helped out ordinary people just trying to build a stable life and small future in areas hurt by government policies, the program had “accidentally” handed out millions to crack dealers across America’s inner cities.
One such lucky crack dealer from Detroit, who wishes to remain anonymous for this report, said that he applied for funds by submitting a form saying he had “73 percent profit margins” and “over 25 employees,” and though he was able to include his financial reports for it, he didn’t have to explain what he sold. On the basis of his success, he received a $5 million grant with the option for a $10 million “credit-building” loan.
Apparently, such loans and grants for crack dealers were common, as they have some of the most profitable and successful businesses in downtown areas and employ, as “contractors,” dozens of “community members” as subsidiary dealers, lookouts, and enforcers. As the program studiously avoided asking about what the business activity was directed toward, those dealers then got most of the grant money.