NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden tried giving a speech on Bidenomics while addressing a crowd in Pennsylvania but, predictably, the speech went off the rails when Biden tried improvising. Beginning, Biden tried to give a Democratic Socialist style speech about “equity” and sharing prosperity, saying:
President Biden’s economic vision—Bidenomics—is about building the economy from the middle out and the bottom up. It starts with recognizing that in recent decades, the U.S. economy has seen rising inequality, mounting costs from climate change, and economic shocks like the pandemic and Great Recession. The pace of growth has been too slow and has delivered uneven benefits across our society. Economic policies have underestimated the importance of public investment for economic growth, equity, and wellbeing.
The three pillars of Bidenomics—making smart investments in America, empowering workers, and promoting competition to lower costs and help small businesses—were born from mounting evidence of the magnitude of these challenges. They are informed by a body of research that has shown that growing the economy equitably requires rethinking certain core economic assumptions, and instead expanding the productive capacity of the American economy through evidence-backed government investments. Taken together, these pillars will support strong, sustainable, and shared economic growth.
This post provides resources on the first pillar—investing in America—which is grounded in economic research about what investments need to be made and how those investments should be implemented in order to ensure sustained, equitable growth. The pillar includes investments in building the clean energy economy, manufacturing semiconductors domestically, and updating our infrastructure—all designed to support the middle class and re-establish a strong economic foundation in America, as opposed to benefitting those at the top and hoping those benefits trickle down.
That’s when things went badly. Looking away from the teleprompter while trying (and failing) to open a bottle of water, Biden got distracted and tried to ad lib what he was supposed to say next. So he did so and it went straight downhill.
“Well, uhh, I mean, we still gotta let people make money,” he said. “Like some of us up here at the top, umm, well, we gotta make some money. It ain’t cheap to look this good, if you know, umm, if you know what I mean. It’s like, umm, well, this is some important stuff, Jack. We need to recognize that.”
“So, umm, we won’t do the trickle down thing. Reagan the racist did that if you know what I mean. No good! No good at all. But, umm, we gotta make something! So a shared economy, plus some for the Big Guy! That’s me, if you missed that. Hunter called me the Big Guy over email. Isn’t it cute a kid would still call his dad by a name like that? I think so.”
At that point, “Dr.” Jill Biden stormed on stage, grabbed Joe by the ear, and dragged him off the stage.