NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Joining in the inevitable, pointless, and continual handwringing over the Earth going through natural heating and cooling cycles over time, President Biden decided to release a statement blaming “climate change” for the hurricane hitting California with a veritable tsunami of rain.
Shockingly, he didn’t proceed by ignoring that California also had a recent drought and that too was blamed on climate change. Rather, he admitted that and claimed that both are true at the same time.
Beginning, Biden argued that his administration has done lots to counter the hurricane and deal with recovery efforts in the state, saying that he and FEMA have done much to help out Californians. He said:
Across the country, people are experiencing the devastating impacts of extreme weather worsened by climate change. As peak hurricane season approaches, my Administration continues taking action to bolster the country’s preparedness, and support response and recovery efforts.
I continue to be briefed on Tropical Storm Harold and its potential impacts on South Texas. At my direction, FEMA pre-deployed personnel to Texas to assist state and local officials and to coordinate on any requests for resources should federal assistance be required. FEMA has also made preparations to surge personnel and resources, if needed. I urge people in the storm’s path to follow state and local guidance.
I have also been briefed on Tropical Storm Franklin, and I directed FEMA to pre-deploy personnel and resources to Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. We continue to monitor the storm’s path, and I urge people in Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands to follow local guidance.
Continuing, Biden said, “And lemme tell you, Jack, this hurricane was no accident. No siree, nope. This was caused by climate change! And I get it, I get it. You’re afraid to say that because Extreme MAGA Republicans will use it to attack you, saying that because California’s climate change induced drought was also because of climate change so the rain can’t be climate change.”
The statement continued, saying, “So we need to fight climate change. My administration has done a lot for that. Gotta get rid of the, uhh, well like lawnmoers and cars pollute. So we gotta tax those. That’s a big thing, Jack. Just think about it. Understand how, uhh, important that is to like, umm, well fight back against the climate change. To stop it.”
Biden then started complaining about how “no one listens to the science any more,” saying that “masks will stop climate change by discouraging pollution and encouraging pollution,” whatever that means. He seemed sure of it, however, and threatened to sign an executive order banning the non-wearing of masks until the “hurricanes stop and climate science is, uhhh, you know, the thing.”