Note: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden came out with “big” news on Tuesday, telling the country that under his administration’s aegis, Medicare would be taking action to lower the price of prescription drugs. Though a commendable initiative at first glance, Americans were furious when they found out the reason was that Biden thought doing so would help Hunter get cheaper crack cocaine.
In his speech announcing the initiative, Biden did his usual thing and rambled on for a long, long while before making his usual sort of gaffe that got his supporters uncomfortable and Americans angry. He said:
For far too long, Americans have paid more for prescription drugs than any major economy. And while the pharmaceutical industry makes record profits, millions of Americans are forced to choose between paying for medications they need to live or paying for food, rent, and other basic necessities. Those days are ending.
Today, my Administration announced the first 10 Medicare Part D drugs that have been selected for price negotiation — for the first time ever. They are among the most common and costly prescriptions that treat everything from heart failure, blood clots, diabetes, arthritis, Crohn’s disease – and more. This is on top of progress we made in reducing the cost of insulin to $35 a month for seniors on Medicare.
We’ve reached this milestone because of the Inflation Reduction Act– one of the most significant laws ever enacted, and one that passed with the leadership of Democrats in Congress. We took on Big Pharma and special interests, overcoming opposition from every Republican in Congress, and the American people won.
When implemented, prices on negotiated drugs will decrease for up to 9 million seniors. These seniors currently pay up to $6,497 in out-of-pocket costs per year for these prescriptions. In addition, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office reports that this will save taxpayers $160 billion by reducing how much Medicare pays for drugs through negotiation and inflation rebates.
Continuing, he then added, “And look, Jack, this is gonna help out people from all walks of life. Just think about the suffering caused by high drug prices. Families can’t afford food, rent, gas, all that jazz that Putin’s price hike caused. Heck, even before it, Hunter was nearly out on the street because of high drug prices. He couldn’t afford to live! Well, this is gonna fix that, Jack. Hunter needs cheap drugs, and America does too. Now that’s Bidenomics.”
The crowd was dead silent, shocked at what they just heard and upset that their tax dollars were going toward funding the president’s son’s crack addiction. Trump later embodied the mood in a post on Truth Social, saying, “So now SLEEPY JOE is making AMERICAN TAXPAYERS pay for Hunter’s crack addiction! Isn’t China paying for it? VERY SAD, VERY BAD! American NEEDS AN AMERICA FIRST PRESIDENT, not CHINA JOE and his CRACKHEAD kid!“