NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Another day that ends in y means another day in which President Biden causes chaos by saying what he shouldn’t. Wednesday was no exception, as he used that day to tell everyone that the reason for the US aid to Ukraine and the man chosen to take it there was that Hunter was going along to collect a share for himself and the Biden family. Speaking on the matter, Biden said:
Today, I am proud to announce that I am appointing Penny Pritzker to serve as the new U.S. Special Representative for Ukraine’s Economic Recovery.
As an accomplished public servant, former Secretary of Commerce, and transformative industry leader—with deep familial ties to Ukraine—Special Representative Pritzker brings decades of experience and expertise to this critical position. Working in lockstep with the Ukrainian government, our allies and partners, international financial institutions, and the private sector, she will drive the United States’ efforts to help rebuild the Ukrainian economy. This includes mobilizing public and private investment, shaping donor priorities, and working to open export markets and businesses shut down by Russia’s brutal attacks and destruction. Special Representative Pritzker will also work with Ukraine’s other international partners, including via the G7 coordination platform, to ensure that international efforts are complementary and mutually reinforcing, as well as to encourage international partners to keep stepping up their support for Ukraine’s immediate economic recovery needs. Special Representative Pritzker will help the Ukrainian government make reforms needed to strengthen its economy, and Special Representative Pritzker will work with Ukraine to help ensure that as Ukraine begins to rebuild, it rebuilds stronger.
As we take this next step to help Ukraine forge a stronger future, we remain steadfastly committed to helping it defend its freedom today. The brave people of Ukraine have inspired the world with their resilience and resolve, and as this announcement reaffirms, the United States remains committed to stand with them, for as long as it takes.
Continuing, Biden added, “And look, Jack, I really really mean that. Look, see here, Mr. Pritzker promised…he pledged to bring Hunter along. And that’s a big deal. Most might not given the Ultra MAGA attacks on my little boy, attacks that are real cruel and unfair to attack a young, 53 year old man with, lemme tell ya.”
“And so, what, uhhh, what we need to do is keep funding the Ukrainians. Hunter’s gonna be over there keeping a close eye on things and uhh, well, earning his pay, so to say. So that’s good. And it means we’ll get a lot of bang for our buck, as Hunter is the smartest guy I know. And that’s a fact, Jack, lemme tell ya. So we’re real happy with that. Luckily Hunter already knows lots of guys over there. So he’ll be a real big help, and earn all he’s getting from em.”