NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Speaking to a collection of world leaders and their advisors about why he and his administration are supporting massive investments in Red China, President Joe Biden explained that that country has been nice to his son Hunter, giving him lots of cash when he needs it.
Beginning, Biden made the investments sound like part of a big campaign to invest in the world generally and fight the phantom menace of “climate change,” saying that lots of countries agreed on it and were making “substantial progress” in their goals. He said:
In May of 2022, we came together in Tokyo to launch negotiations on this so-called framework. We still have more work to do, but we’ve made substantial progress. In record time, we’ve reached consensus on three of the pillars of the IPEF. I hate acronyms. I apologize.
The first, we signed a first-of-its-kind supply chain agreement to help identify supply chain bottlenecks before they become the kind of disruptions we saw during the COVID-19 pandemic. We saw what happened then in the United States and elsewhere. But the Unites States’ semiconductor supply chains dried up in Asia, and the United States — a lot of it shut down. This is an agreement we’ve been in — we put back in place. We could — if we had this agreement in place we’re talking about today, we would not have had to lay off so many auto workers because lack of semiconductors and many other examples.
Second, we’ve concluded an agreement to accelerate the clean energy transition in the Indo-Pacific region, including by enabling greater U.S. and private sector investment in clean energy, innovation, and infrastructure in our partner countries. You heard discussions today about how there’s many opportunities and ideas that have — but being able to attract private sector investment and government investment is hard for many of these countries that have great ideas and great opportunities.
Continuing, he added that the investments were mainly in China, saying, “And look, folks, we want to combat climate change. So that requires investing in clean energy infrastructure in places without it right now. Got it? So China has a lot of the, uhhh, the coal plants and such. They’re dirty. And real, umm. Well dirty, I guess. So we’re building a whole lot of, uhh, plants to produce clean energy there and combat that. To save the planet.”
He then explained why he is comfortable investing in China, saying, “So, I know, you’re wondering why I am comfortable investing in China. How we can do that when the bad orange man said so many mean things about them. Well, I’ll tell ya. Because this is God’s honest truth. They were real nice to Hunter when he needed help. He was down bad with a little addiction problem, and he needed money to make ends meet. I didn’t have it! I’m Joe from Scranton, a normal guy, not some oligarch. But the CCP could, and did, help! So heck ya I trust them!”