NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Team Biden met with Native American groups for a photo op under the guise of some new treaty and investment plan, one which will never pan out to much other than grift and corruption, but the ceremony went from the usual sort of boring nothingness to anger and awkwardness when Joe got off the teleprompter script. Beginning, he said:
And thanks for — thanks for all the Tribal leaders here. I want to say how much I appreciate your efforts for being here. You know, we’re grateful that you made the journey to have — we have an important conversation to have about things that matter most to — to your people. That’s why we’re here. It’s a simple proposition.
When I became President, I promised my administration would prioritize respect for Tribal sovereignty and self-determination, otherwise Danny Inouye would come down from Heaven and beat me up. I was raised by Danny Inouye. You think I’m joking. I remember once I said, “All those Indian na- …” He said, “No. Nations, Joe. Nations, nations.” And that was 50 years ago. You know that we usher in a new era of relationship between our government and nation-to-nation relationships.
We’ve made progress, but we know Indigenous communities still live in the shadows of the failed policies of the past. That’s why — that’s why I committed to working with you to write a new and better chapter in American history for Indian nations. To honor the solemn promise the United States made to Tribal nations, to fulfill our federal trust and treaty obligations, and to work together to rebuild Tribal economies and institutions.
To make this new era — . You should be clapping. This is the first time this has happened. Come on, guys. You may not be proud of all this, but I’m really proud of it. Make this new era of self-determination a reality. On my watch, the federal government has made record investments in Tribal nations. There’s more to do.
That’s when he got the gathered Native Americans mad. “Like, what? I guess that’s what you’re asking. Well, for example, who thinks we should give Hunter, my dear son, a call and have him bring on over a peace pipe? Heck, that sure sounds fun to me! It’ll be a good time. Hunter can bring the peace pipe and we can light up and go over the other, um, well, the little parts of the plan.”
“Just think…I bet no one’s done that with y’all since the Lone Ranger! It’ll be a good time, though I guess we’ll have to go outside since they won’t let us smoke in here. John Wayne woulda smoked in here, that’s for sure. Well, all things change. I guess you folks know the truth about that more than anyone. Heck, that sure seems to be the case, I guess.”
KJP then intervened before Biden said something that would turn scowls into war cries.