NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Uganda recently decided to change its laws regarding homosexuality to make it somewhat more illegal, particularly in certain situations. Predictably, the United States freaked out and harshly condemned the law, saying that what a nation in central Africa decides to do regarding LGBTQ+ rights is the most important thing going on right now.
In fact, the Biden Administration even released a statement on the matter, attacking the policy and vowing to change US policy toward Uganda and its government if it doesn’t change law. It said:
The enforcement of the AHA is part of an ongoing trend of democratic erosion in Uganda, where individual Ugandans and civil society organizations face increasingly restricted civic and political space. There have been increased reports of evictions, vigilante attacks, and police harassment, abuse, and detainment of individuals who are or are perceived to be LGBTQI+, including reports of the Ugandan police subjecting individuals to forced anal examinations – an abusive, degrading practice that serves no investigative or public health purpose.
The United States, however, remains committed to the Ugandan people. For more than 60 years, we have helped millions of Ugandans live healthier, more productive lives. And we will continue to do so. The United States urges Ugandan authorities to prioritize the health, prosperity, and security of all Ugandans by tackling the scourge of systemic corruption, investing in healthcare and education, upholding constitutionally enshrined rights, and promoting just and accountable governance rather than channeling energy into oppressive laws and practices.
As directed by President Biden, the United States has undertaken a review of the implications of the AHA on all aspects of U.S. engagement with the Government of Uganda and is taking actions to raise awareness of the threats posed by democratic backsliding in Uganda, promote accountability for human rights abuses, and curtail direct assistance to the government.
Then Biden stepped in to give his take on the law and why it is wrong. He said, “Look, folks, we are America. We stand for things. We stand for good things. Heck, we stand for freedom! And freedom’s great, particularly here in America. But standing for freedom, you know, well it means that you actually need to make sure that people are living free! You need to do that. We need to do that.”
“So that’s why we need to stand up to Uganda. They’re doing this nasty, medieval stuff…banning homosexuality! You can’t do that! The rainbow flag, Jack, it’s gotta fly worldwide! That’s important. It’s America’s main value and export at this point…can’t outsource all that stuff. You know? So we gotta help the gay Ugandans restore their free future! That’s what being the leader of the democratic world really means. Whatever we gotta sacrifice, whatever we gotta do, we’ll fight back to help out those LGBTQ+ Ugandan fellas.”