NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The Biden Administration decided this week to celebrate the creation of a federal “law enforcement misconduct” database to track what law enforcement officers are up to, as if police overeagerness to stop crime is the issue at a time when the devastating toll of crime is ruining America’s cities.
In any case, Team Biden’s support for the database meant that Kamala Harris, a former prosecutor known for locking up random people for low level drug offenses, was sent to give a speech on the database and how great it is, leading her to reflect on her career in an embarrassing and unfortunate way.
Beginning, Kamala claimed that this new database is very important and that she has always been on the side of “police accountability,” saying:
Every person in our nation has a right to be safe. And trust between law enforcement and the communities they serve is essential for public safety. Police misconduct undermines that trust—and threatens the right to equal justice under law. Today, President Joe Biden and I are establishing the first ever federal database to track official records of law enforcement officer misconduct. The National Law Enforcement Accountability Database will ensure that federal agencies have ready access to records of serious misconduct when hiring federal law enforcement officers.
As a United States Senator, with Senator Cory Booker and Representative Karen Bass, I authored the George Floyd Justice in Policing Act. And last year, President Biden and I issued an Executive Order banning chokeholds, restricting no-knock warrants, and strengthening use-of-force policies for federal law enforcement, in addition to other critical reforms.
President Biden and I will continue to do all we can to advance police accountability and strengthen the bonds of trust between law enforcement and the communities they serve. And we renew our call for the United States Congress to pass the George Floyd Justice in Policing Act.
That’s when she got to reflecting on her own career. She said, “Look, as a former prosecutor, I know what it takes to lock people up. Often, it takes bending the law a good bit to get the right evidence, to get the right confession, whatever. Sometimes even takes breaking the law…it does, I mean. So what I know is that this database will be effective because fear of it would have stopped me!”
“When I was a prosecutor, I did whatever it took to lock people up. I had to. It’s what it took. So I did it. But if I had been worried about getting tracked by this database, I probably would have respected the civil rights of those people a whole lot more. And that’s why this is good, because it’s so important to stop people like I used to be from doing things like I used to do.”