NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Venezuela is holding Americans hostage right now, presumably to get leverage over the US in its dispute with Guyana and Exxon over a recently found, massive oil field. Biden decided to “negotiate” for their release using the same tactics he used to get hostages home from Iran…which is to pay more than a billion dollars per person for them. Beginning his statement on the matter, he said:
Today, ten Americans who have been detained in Venezuela have been released and are coming home, including all six wrongfully detained Americans. These individuals have lost far too much precious time with their loved ones, and their families have suffered every day in their absence. I am grateful that their ordeal is finally over, and that these families are being made whole once more. Additionally, a fugitive named Leonard Francis, who fled the United States before he could be sentenced for his lead role in a brazen bribery and corruption case – was arrested and returned to the United States from Venezuela so that he will face justice for crimes he committed against the U.S. Government and the American people.
We are ensuring that the Venezuelan regime meets its commitments. They have announced an electoral roadmap – agreed to by opposition parties – for competitive Presidential elections in 2024. This a positive and important step forward. And today, they are releasing twenty political prisoners, on top of five released previously. We will continue to monitor this closely and take appropriate action if needed. We stand in support of democracy in Venezuela and the aspirations of the Venezuelan people. As we welcome home our fellow citizens, I must also remind all Americans of the long-standing warning against traveling to Venezuela. Americans should not travel there.
Reuniting wrongfully detained Americans with their loved ones has been a priority for my Administration since day one. As is the return to the United States of fugitives from justice. But even as we celebrate the return of these Americans, we also remain deeply focused on securing the release of the hostages in Gaza and wrongfully detained Americans around the world, including Evan Gershkovich and Paul Whelan, who are being detained in Russia, and Americans in Afghanistan, Syria, and China. We will not stop working until we bring them all home.
Continuing, he said, “And the fact is, we know just how to get these Americans home. It’s easy. Tomorrow, I’m going to call up Mr. Maduro on the phone and ask him ‘How many billions do you want?’ That’s what we did with Iran, and that’s what we’re gonna do here. It just works, and it’s way cheaper than a military operation. Those carriers and SEAL teams are expensive!”
“So, heck, we’re just gonna give em what they want and pay. Even if it’s a lot, it will be cheaper, quicker, and way easier to just send some cash. Plus we can print it, so it’s effectively free to me. Not like we’re paying that debt back anyway…” At that point, Dr. Jill stomped on stage and dragged Joe off the stage by his ear before he could manage to say anything else like that.