NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Giving a speech on abortion after the Idaho government and electorate decided to ban abortion in Idaho, Biden bizarrely claimed that not killing babies is dangerous for children in Idaho. Beginning the speech, Biden said:
Today’s Supreme Court order allows Idaho’s extreme abortion ban to go back into effect and denies women critical emergency abortion care required by federal law. The overturning of Roe v. Wade has enabled Republican elected officials to pursue dangerous abortion bans like this one that continue to jeopardize women’s health, force them to travel out of state for care, and make it harder for doctors to provide care, including in an emergency. These bans are also forcing doctors to leave Idaho and other states because of laws that interfere with their ability to care for their patients. This should never happen in America.
The Vice President and I believe that health care decisions should be made by women and their doctors, not politicians. We will continue to defend a woman’s ability to access emergency care under federal law. As this case continues, the stakes could not be higher for women across America. Congress must immediately restore the protections of Roe v. Wade so that women in every state can access the health care they need.
Continuing, he accidentally, drifted into one of his rambles about “democracy,” saying, “Today, we’re here to answer the most important of questions. Is democracy still America’s sacred cause? I mean it. This is not rhetorical, academic, or hypothetical. Whether democracy is still America’s sacred cause is the most urgent question of our time, and it’s what the 2024 election is all about. The choice is clear. Donald Trump’s campaign is about him, not America, not you. Donald Trump’s campaign is obsessed with the past, not the future. He’s willing to sacrifice our democracy, put himself in power.”
Then, catching himself wandering well off track, he reverted to the main topic of the speech, saying, “Look, folks, whatcha gotta understand is that…ummm…well, folks, well, not killing babies is dangerous! It is! What if…what if they pop on out and then aren’t fed?! That wouldn’t be good, Jack. Some of em could commit crimes! We don’t want crime. And look, the world is getting too full. We’re gonna run out of resources. We can’t make enough solar energy! So to appease the angry sun gods, we gotta kill the babies. It’s just that simple, Jack!”
Continuing, he mixed up the democracy speech and abortion speech again, saying, “And that’s what America requires…we gotta decide that what really matters is democracy, and killing babies. That’s what the Democratic Party stands for and it’s what we’re going to keep defending as we determine how to respond to the evil insurrectionists in the MAGA party that hate our democracy and don’t want to kill babies.“