NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden had the devastating task of having to inform America that three American soldiers died in a terrorist attack in Jordan. Predictably, however, he absolutely botched the statement, declaring that their mission was extremely important but then not even remembering where they were when tragedy struck and they were killed by Iran.
Kicking off the statement, Biden struggled to remember the name of the country in which the soldiers died, saying, “Today, America’s heart is heavy. Last night, three U.S. service members were killed—and many wounded—during an unmanned aerial drone attack on our forces stationed in northeast…umm…well, a place near the Syria border. While we are still gathering the facts of this attack, we know it was carried out by radical Iran-backed militant groups operating in Syria and Iraq.”
Continuing, he then got back on track, avoiding any actual details and instead issuing vague generalities about patriotism and sacrifice. He said, “Jill and I join the families and friends of our fallen—and Americans across the country—in grieving the loss of these warriors in this despicable and wholly unjust attack. These service members embodied the very best of our nation: Unwavering in their bravery. Unflinching in their duty. Unbending in their commitment to our country— risking their own safety for the safety of their fellow Americans, and our allies and partners with whom we stand in the fight against terrorism. It is a fight we will not cease.”
He kept that up for another minute or so of stuttered speaking, saying, “The three American service members we lost were patriots in the highest sense. And their ultimate sacrifice will never be forgotten by our nation. Together, we will keep the sacred obligation we bear to their families. We will strive to be worthy of their honor and valor. We will carry on their commitment to fight terrorism. And have no doubt — we will hold all those responsible to account at a time and in a manner our choosing.”
But then thinks took a nosedive once again, with Biden barely able to speak and struggling to remember where it was that the soldiers were when they died, even as he insisted that their mission was critical for American national security.
Doing so, he said, “And, well, what I have to tell Americans in this dark hour is that what these gents were doing in…umm, overseas, was highly important to America. This was no joke, folks. We just gotta do it, whatever those MAGA isolationists claim when they say America needs to retreat from the world.”
“So let me tell you this clearly and…well, very clearly: what we’re doing in…well, I don’t remember the name, is very important. It just is. Without American troops there to be hit by Iranian rockets or drones or whatever…bad things might happen somewhere else at some point, according to the WMDs in Iraq analysts. So we have to send more troops over to…wherever this was.”