NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Zelensky of Ukraine had the misfortune of having to speak alongside Vice President Kamala Harris while begging for billions more from the United States. Predictably, it went less than well, with VP Harris being extremely awkward and Zelensky being stunningly rude.
VP Harris led off, saying, “But it is good to see you again. The last time I saw you was in the White House. And I gave a speech yesterday in which I said publicly what I had and the President — President Biden — have said to you many times: We stand with Ukraine. We have stood with Ukraine since day one. And I was honored, in particular, to talk about you as a leader and your courage and your determination. You and I have had many conversations over these past two years. And you have shown extraordinary courage and accomplishment on the battlefield. And it has been a source of our pride and our commitment to democracy and to democratic principles to support you in every way we possibly can.”
Zelensky then said, “Happy to see you, Madam Vice President. Yes, you remind us our meeting some days before invasions of Russian terrorists. And — and you mentioned very important thing: that you’ve been with us from the first days of full-scale war. And we are very thankful from — from — not only from me and my team, first of all, from all our people are thankful to you, to people of the United States, your society — great society, and to President Biden, his team, and, of course, bipartisan support. We are thankful for this.”
He added, “But we need now your unity during such a challenging period for us. And, of course — of course, in the United States, challenging period. We understand everything. We are happy that you are the leaders of support. I think we — we have to continue it. And today we will focus on some — some questions like defense, frozen assets, security issues, and micro-financial assistance. Thank you so much. We are very happy that we have such strategic partners. Thank you so much.”
Continuing, he demanded yet more money from the United States, getting quite rude. He said, “But while we are thankful for what you have so far provided to us, many good weapons and money which can be used by us for very non-corrupt and helpful purposes, it is not enough. Nowhere near enough, in fact. Not even close to what we need to win.”
“Look to our east. Russia is still there. That means we must fight still. Preferably, you would fight alongside us. But you are cowards and soft and will not, so we must do so. That means we need more from you. So, give us more money. Give us more weapons. Give us more support. We need it and you can afford it, so I demand you give it to us right now! I insist!”
Biden then walked up and patted the diminutive Ukrainian leader on the head.