NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Biden gave yet another speech on the situation in Ukraine on Sunday, and as usual, it was entirely hypocritical. That’s because Biden, despite damning Putin for having arrested certain political enemies, went on in the speech to declare that his administration would be working to lock up former President Donald Trump and his supporters. Beginning, Biden said, speaking for his administration:
President Putin has failed to achieve his strategic objective of subjugating Ukraine. Instead, he is forcing his own people to pay a heavy price for his government’s reckless actions each day. He has drained Russia’s resources to fund an unnecessary war, torn Russian families apart, and claimed hundreds of thousands of Russian lives.
We remain convinced that we can ensure the people of Ukraine prevail in fighting for their future and help to forge a comprehensive, just and durable peace. On this occasion, we also pay tribute to the extraordinary courage of Alexei Navalny and stand with his wife, children, and loved ones. He sacrificed his life fighting against the Kremlin’s corruption and for free and fair elections in Russia. We call on the Russian government to fully clarify the circumstances around his death.
We equally call on the Russian government to free all unjustly detained prisoners and to stop the persecution of political opposition and the systematic repression of Russians’ rights and freedoms. We will hold those culpable for Navalny’s death accountable, including by continuing to impose restrictive measures in response to human rights violations and abuses in Russia and taking other actions.
Focusing on the human rights bit for a minute, Biden said, “We think human rights are the most important thing that’s around. That’s what America was built on, Jack. It’s what we…how we made the country after being the Germans in the Revolutionary War. That’s a fact, Jack! So look, if Mr. Putin wants to be part of the community of nations, then he’s going to need to start respecting human rights, and that means letting political prisoners out of jail. Just because Navalny was working with the CIA to overthrow the Russian state doesn’t mean he should have died in jail! That’s tyranny, Jack!”
Turning from Putin to Trump, Biden said, “And look, just because you can’t have political prisoners, can’t lock up people trying to destroy your country from the inside, that doesn’t mean that…ummm…it doesn’t mean you can’t have prisoners! Heck no, Jack! They just have to have done bad stuff that means they should be locked up. In jail, or whatnot. Look at Trump, the bad orange man, for example. He’s a bad duck. Real bad. So we gotta lock him up! That’s just common sense, Jack, you can’t say mean things about illegal immigrants like he did without, ummm, without getting arrested for that and locked up. But that’s not what Putin did! Putin’s a tyrant!”