NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Speaking in Brownsville, TX, after visiting the border area to determine for himself what was going on and how big of a problem it is, President Biden first tried to blame Republicans for how things are going at the border, then got distracted and admitted that he is at fault. Kicking things off, he said:
Folks, on my first day as President, I introduced a bill I sent to Congress: a comprehensive plan to fix the broken immigration system and to secure the border. But no action was taken.Then months ago, my team began a serious negotiation on a bipartisan group of senators — Democrat — leading conservative Republicans and Dem- — progressive Democrats — and it resulted in a compromise bill. It’s the toughest set of border security reforms we’ve ever seen in this country.
It’s pretty basic. With this deal, we could hire 1,500 additional border security agents — 1,500 additional off- — and officers and between ports of entry. For the past four years, staffing has been roughly that — flat — just flat. Agents working overtime, spending long hours patrolling the border, making major sacrifices. And I know it takes a big toll on them and their families.
That’s why, in December, I signed a bill finally getting Border Patrol agents — what I’ve been pushed by and reminded by the congressman — overtime pay they deserve. They’re finally getting overtime pay. I — I mean, it’s ridiculous it took this long. It was long past time, and I was proud to do it. But we need to do more. It’s time to step up. It’s time to step up and provide them with significantly more personnel and capability. We also need more immigration judges to help handle the backlog. There are 2 million cases — a backlog of 2 million cases. This bipartisan deal would provide funding for a hundred more immigration judges immediately. It would also establish new, efficient, and fair process for the government to consider asylum claims for those arriving at our border.
Continuing, he said, “Speaking of…there were a lot of people arriving at our border. A whole lot. Looking around, it’s quite a few people. I mean, I was…I was over there, ummm, well, earlier. I was. And you wouldn’t believe it! It was just this constant, steady river of people flowing across the border and into America! How the heck is that happening, Jack?!”
“Well, I mean, I know how it is. The bad orange man…well…he cared, um, well, he cared a whole lot…ummm…he built the wall. Or he tried to! We stopped him because he was racist. But then, I uhh, well I probably undid some policies that it was probably not the best to undo. So I think I’m to blame for all these people. Heck, Jack, it was a whole lot of people. A whole lot. So my bad, folks.”