NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden attempted to give a speech on how safe America is under his watch and, predictably, it went poorly. This time, however, it was not because of his gaffes that it went poorly, though those gaffes were there and made the speech go less than perfectly. Rather, it went badly because, as Biden rambled about how low crime is thanks to him, career felons robbed people outside the building. Biden, for his part, was saying:
Thanks to the law enforcement and community leaders here today who have helped bring down violent crime rates in their cities to historic lows. That’s right. We’re — we’re about to talk about what’s going to happen now. You know, you just heard from the chief, and they salute these cities who are making historic progress here. Last year, the United States had one of the lowest rates of all violent crime — of all violent crimes in more than 50 years. Murder, rape — murder, rape, aggravated assault, robbery all dropped sharply, along with burglary, property crime, and theft. And it matters.
As President, public safety — public safety and crime reduction is a top priority for my administration and for me. And it has been for a long time, back when I was chairman of the Judiciary Committee. You know, since day one, my administration has been working with law enforcement, mayors, and community leaders to do what we know works to keep people and communities safe. As was referenced, during the pandemic, states and cities saw violent crime rising, and their budgets were strained as they faced deep cuts in law enforcement and public safety. But we stepped up.
Thanks to my American Rescue Plan, which I might note not a single person on the other team voted for, we provided $350 billion — $350 billion that was available to deal with these issues. You know, and the fact is that we find ourselves — they could use it to — this money to keep law enforcement on the beat and communities safe from violence. We invested $15 billion — $15 billion to make their communities safer, and we added billions more in grants to help. The Justice Department invested in law enforcement and community violence interruption programs.
Meanwhile, attendees waiting outside the building to try and get in and listen to the president (the room was only big enough for a few dozen people), started getting robbed. A career criminal, known only as “Big Daddy” to the local law enforcement, had been released from jail for his 15th firearm offense in the month of February about an hour earlier, with no cash bail as usual, and saw a long line of mostly elderly, obviously unarmed people. Calling his cousin on the phone, the two men met and put on masks, stuck pistols in their pants and approached the milling crowd of Biden voters.
Then, as Biden yelled inside about how great things are going from a crime perspective, Big Daddy and his cousin robbed approximately 2 dozen people, stealing mainly jewelry and watches, but also a few thousand dollars in cash and purses. Biden did not reference the robbery of his supporters in his speech, though he was informed of it.