NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Things went off the rails in the usual sort of way when Vice President Kamala Harris appeared for a speech in Durham, North Carolina, on “empowering minority entrepreneurs.” Instead of just talking about small businesses generally, as most would do to avoid controversy, VP Harris decided to use “crack dealers” as her example of a small business. Then she declared they need federal funding, horrifying the audience yet more. Kicking things off, she said:
And that is real, because it also understands that not everyone has access to opportunity. But when provided with access, the talent is there, the capacity is there, the drive is there, the ambition is there, and growth and economic growth results. So, that is the math, in terms of what we are talking about. It is about meeting the capacity of communities with the resources that are necessary to strengthen our economy. And we all benefit from that work. We all benefit from an economy that is strong.
So, I want to take ev- — I want to thank everybody here, including all of the investors who have really — I — I was so happy to share your stories and — and to know about your passion and your commitment and your drive and — and your high level of expectation that you are also meeting with the resources that are necessary to grow and incentivize these businesses.
And to be here on historic Black Wall Street — this district in Durham is really — it’s — it — actually, I — I just stand here thinking of what has happened here over the years, both in terms of the strength of the community and then the challenges and the obstacles that were presented to this community, but how it has rebounded in such an extraordinary way.
And as the governor has said, over the past three years, the President and I have been very intentional about the work that we are doing to invest in communities in many ways, including through small businesses. Thus far, we have invested more than $3 billion in the entrepreneurs and small businesses here in North Carolina. And that investment has included billions of dollars in small business loans for thousands of small businesses in North Carolina.
Continuing, she said, “And that means all small businesses. Right now, there’s a lot of racism in how the funds are handed out. A lot! Not just in whites getting more of the funds earmarked for supporting small business, though they do, but in terms of, well, of what businesses get them. Only businesses white people like, things like Mexican restaurants and sushi spots, currently get the funding.”
“That is unacceptable. Entirely unacceptable. Instead of letting them get away with that, we need to make sure businesses of all sorts get the funding they need. That means, for example, that minority-owned businesses like crack dealerships should get funding. That’s right. Crack dealers need small business investment dollars, it’s the only way we can empower these communities. And if you think otherwise, that’s pretty racist.”