NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
What do Native American groups need to thrive? According to President Joe Biden, the answer is “more stuff from the government,” with the “stuff” here being massive amounts of debt they can use to do…something undefined. President Biden announced as much in a short speech that went off the rails after he remembered the time Hunter Biden spent in casinos. Kicking the speech off, Biden said:
Yesterday, Interior Secretary Haaland, Small Business Administrator Guzman, Commerce Deputy Secretary Graves, U.S. Treasurer Malerba, and Acting Comptroller of the Currency Michael Hsu, and USDA Deputy Under Secretary for Rural Development Farah Ahmad convened a roundtable on increasing Tribal access to capital at the White House. The conversation included leaders from financial, philanthropic, and nonprofit sectors to discuss innovative approaches to expand economic development and investment in Tribal communities across the country.
The Biden-Harris Administration has made strengthening the self-determination and economic vitality of Tribal Nations and Native people a key priority. Last December, President Biden signed a historic Executive Order urging federal agencies to make their funding streams and programs fully accessible to Tribal communities. These commitments create long-overdue opportunities to advance Tribal self-determination––and positively impact the lives of Tribal citizens for generations to come.
Senior Administration officials outlined their commitments to and strategies for reducing barriers to accessing capital, building on the current system of Native community development financial institutions (CDFIs), and improving economic development in Tribal communities. Secretary Haaland emphasized the importance of both public-private partnerships and interagency collaboration in expanding capital access, driving long-term economic growth, and robustly supporting Tribal sovereignty and self-determination. She issued a challenge to the philanthropic sector to commit 10% of total giving to projects in Indian Country and invited banks and financial institutions to bring increased financing to Tribal communities. Leaders from the financial and philanthropic sectors affirmed the unique opportunity to catalyze inclusive investments alongside the federal government to leverage the unprecedented levels of public investment in Tribal Nations.
That’s when he made it to his memory of Hunter and things went awry. The senile president said, “And a lot of good all that sweet cash is gonna do. I know how you fellas like it. Well, lemme tell ya this, Jack, Hunter loved y’all stuff. The casinos, the liquor, the women, all of it. He’d always call me having a great time and asking for more money to try to win with y’all, if you know what I mean.”
“He…well the Big Guy couldn’t always give it, but when I could he’d have a wonderful time. Liked it even more than the fun situations the Chinese fellows he knew helped him have. And that’s saying a lot…he really enjoyed those. particularly in Macau. But he always said, nothing they provide over there has the same fun a reservation in Oklahoma or wherever. Just not the same. So thanks to Hunter, my Administration is real friendly to y’all, Jack.”