Note: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
During his recent rally in Georgia, former President Donald Trump told his audience that should he return to the Oval Office in January of 2025, he will solve all of the world’s problems within the first 72 hours of his presidency.
“Look, folks, it’s very simple,” Trump boomed, addressing a sea of red hats. “I’ve done it all before, and I’ll do it again, but faster. Much faster. We’re talking record-breaking problem-solving here.”
The comprehensive list of issues set to be resolved includes, but is not limited to, world hunger, solving the Russia/Ukraine conflict, bringing Peace to the Middle East, curing cancer, building the wall, and putting Biden in a nursing home. Critics have asked for a detailed plan on how these ambitious goals will be achieved, to which Trump responded, “Plans are for people who don’t have instincts. I have the best instincts. The best. Nobody has ever had instincts like me, believe me. I have the biggest, most beautiful set of instincts you’ve ever seen.”
Among the proposed solutions is a plan to build a giant, solar-powered fan to combat global warming and a suggestion to solve economic inequality by “doing tremendous things with money. Tremendous things.”
As the 72-hour mark of Trump’s hypothetical presidency approaches, the world watches with bated breath, ready to witness the solving of all its problems, or at the very least, enjoy a good show. “And if it takes a little longer,” Trump added, with a shrug, “we’ll just call it ‘extended overtime’. Everyone loves overtime.”