NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Speaking in a statement released by his Administration about the recent Special Counsel report into his handling of classified documents (he left them in his garage, which was often unlocked, despite the plethora of state secrets in them), President Joe Biden gloated about the Special Counsel deciding not to press charges and declared that the DOJ will never find Democrats criminally liable.
Beginning the statement with the usual sort of Administration boilerplate that means little and was certainly not written by the brain-dead president. He said:
The Special Counsel released today its findings about its look into my handling of classified documents. I was pleased to see they reached the conclusion I believed all along they would reach – that there would be no charges brought in this case and the matter is now closed.
This was an exhaustive investigation going back more than 40 years, even into the 1970s when I was a young Senator. I cooperated completely, threw up no roadblocks, and sought no delays. In fact, I was so determined to give the Special Counsel what they needed that I went forward with five hours of in-person interviews over two days on October 8th and 9th of last year, even though Israel had just been attacked on October 7th and I was in the middle of handling an international crisis.
I just believed that’s what I owed the American people so they could know no charges would be brought and the matter closed. Over my career in public service, I have always worked to protect America’s security. I take these issues seriously and no one has ever questioned that.
That’s when it turned into gloating. “And look, it doesn’t really matter, does it? I mean, who the heck thinks that the DOJ was gonna hold me guilty? Really? Me? Joe from Scranton? Heck no. They never found Pelosi guilty even though she’s…ummm…well, you know. The thing with the stocks, or whatever. Doing that. And the DOJ sure didn’t do Jack about her, Jack.”
“So this was all phony from the start. We all know that. Not a surprise there, is ther? Heck nah! Let me tell you the truth. The real truth! A Democrat is never guilty when the DOJ is investigating. They just aren’t! It’s a fact, they aren’t! Try to find an example. You can’t. I know these fellows at the FBI, and DOJ, and all the other…the other places. They’re straight shooters. Good guys. Sure aren’t gonna rake me over the coals! No way. They’re not doin that, they’re gonna focus on the orange man. The bad orange man. As they should!”
“So how bout we just move on from this? That work with y’all? It sure works from me. For me. Yes, I had documents in my garage. Yes that was illegal. Yes Trump is being tried for doing teh same thing but in a less bad way. Yes I’m not. But we knew it’d be that way from the start, so let’s just move on.”