NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Amber Heard just lost to Johnny Depp in a big way in the trial between the two obviously crazy actors, with Depp netting about 10 million dollars (before lawyer fees, of course. Those will cut deep).
Taking after her friend and political idol, Hillary Clinton, Heard decided not to back down and admit that she lost in a graceful manner, which is what both women should have done.
But, getting emotional after the defeat, the obviously insane Heard instead decided to…you guessed it, blame Russia!
Sounding off on what she called Depp’s “Russia connections” in a widely derided statement that she released hours after the libel suit defeat, Heard said:
“What we know, and this is like, really sad, is that Johnny colluded with the Russians to win here.
“I can’t say how he did it, as the CIA has asked me to remain silent on how the Russians are influencing our nation’s courtroom proceedings. This is like, a really big deal. And it’s super scary.
“So yes, I lost this case. But it wasn’t on the merits, but rather because of Russian interference that I can’t discuss further.”
Heard then ran into a waiting, armored SUV and sped off before the reporters could ask any questions.
Depp responded on Twitter by posting a screenshot from the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie that had nothing to do with anything. His lawyer, speaking to the media later, said that Depp would be suing again over the Russian collusion claims, which were obviously false and certainly libel.
The CIA, though it wouldn’t directly comment on the veracity of Heard’s allegations, did put out a statement that it had not had any contact with her about Russian collusion, her trial, or Johnny Depp, though the highly-specific wording of its statement indicated that it might have contacted her about other issues.
President Putin of the Russian Federation, trying to flirt with Heard on Twitter (he’s obviously unconcerned about courtroom proceedings), commented that perhaps she could come to Russia to speak with him in a private setting about her concerns with Russian operations abroad, suggesting that they meet at his famous Black Sea dacha. Heard did not respond to Putin’s requests for her to visit with him.
Meanwhile, Twitter trolls suggested that, because of the ridiculous allegations of Russian collusion, Depp should be cast to play Trump in any future movie about the former president. Trump liked the idea, posting on Truth Social that his second day was the day they “almost caught” President Donald Trump, a reference to one of Depp’s most famous lines as Captain Jack Sparrow.
Depp has so far not commented on the idea that he play Trump, likely because he wants to avoid controversies while battling Heard in the courtroom for sums totalling millions upon millions of dollars.