NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
The Department of Labor just pulled a Claudine Gay and plagiarised its pressing report, though instead of lifting pages of racial theory out of someone’s work, it decided to steal a Soviet report on potato production to claim that America’s economy is booming.
The report, titled “2023 Jobs Report,” is a lifted version of the CIA’s translation of a January of 1932 potato production report. In the report, the Soviet potato production minister wrote, “1930 was a fabulous year for potato production in our glorious union of proletariat republics headed by the wise and powerful Iosef Stalin. In fact, potato production doubled from 1930, rising to a massive 70 million tonnes. We are confident that this will kept the proletariat well fed.”
The DOL didn’t even bother changing the names or years involved, which showed the report to be lifted from the Soviets. In 1932, for reference, millions of people across the Soviet Union starved in a massive, man-made famine that was carried out to crush the kulaks and cement Stalin’s hold on the country.
This morning’s report confirms that 2023 was a great year for American workers. The economy created 2.7 million new jobs in 2023—a year when the unemployment rate was consistently below 4 percent—more jobs than during any year of the prior Administration.
The strong job creation continued even as inflation fell to the pre-pandemic level of 2 percent over the last six months, and key prices have fallen over the last year—for a gallon of gas, a gallon of milk, toys, appliances, car rentals, and airline fares. American workers’ wages and wealth are higher now than before the pandemic began, adjusting for inflation.
I won’t stop fighting for American workers and American families. I know that some prices are still too high for too many Americans, and I am doing everything in my power to lower everyday costs for hard-working Americans—from bringing down the price of insulin, prescription drugs, and energy, to addressing hidden junk fees companies use to rip you off, to calling on large corporations to pass on savings to consumers as their costs moderate. And I will continue opposing efforts by Congressional Republicans to shower massive giveaways on the wealthy and big corporations, cut Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security, and block us from lowering costs for American families.
Continuing, Biden said, “The potato production figures show that America is on the right track. Putin’s price hikes were painful for diverse Americans, Trump’s bad economic policies put us in danger, and the world is a scary place thanks to racism. But, here at home, we in America are ready for anything and can certainly feed the proletariat. That’s a fact, Jack. Lemme tell you this right now: America’s doing great, Jack! Our potato production doubled last year! That’s impressive stuff, and means there’s no reason to complain about food price inflation.“