NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden recently gave his “Proclamation on Religious Freedom Day, 2024,” during which he focused only on religious freedom for Muslims and Jewish people, then went on to explain how his administration is persecuting Catholic individuals to “stop hate.” Beginning, he said:
In 2022, I established a new inter-agency group to counter Antisemitism, Islamophobia, and Related Forms of Bias and Discrimination within the United States. Last May, my Administration released the first-ever United States National Strategy to Counter Antisemitism, which outlines more than 100 new actions we are taking to raise awareness of Antisemitism, protect Jewish communities, counter Antisemitic discrimination, and build solidarity across diverse communities.
We are also developing the first-ever United States National Strategy to Counter Islamophobia and Related Forms of Bias and Discrimination in the United States, which will address the scourge of hate against Muslims in America. The strategy will also address hate against Sikh, South Asian, and Arab American communities, among others. Meanwhile, we continue to work with all communities to identify, prevent, and disrupt threats.
Everyone must be free to practice their faith without fear, whether they are gathering for worship, attending a religious school, participating in the activities of other faith-based organizations, or simply walking down the street wearing the symbols of their faith. That is why, working with the Congress, my Administration secured the greatest increase in funding in our history for the physical security of non-profits — including churches, gurdwaras, mosques, synagogues, temples, and other places of worship. In my 2024 Budget proposal to the Congress, I requested that this funding be raised to $360 million, and my Administration works continually to protect places of worship, including through an annual Protecting Places of Worship Week of Action. Through such initiatives, we are providing resources for faith communities and encouraging religious organizations to share their best practices in promoting security with one another.
Continuing, Biden said, “And this focus on stopping hate is why my FBI has been cracking down on Catholic communities. Unlike the racist Republicans, I understand that what really matters is making people of color and other underrepresented groups feel safe, no matter where they are. That’s important, Jack!”
“So, I’ll tell you what. Here’s what we’re doing. The FBI is going after all of those racist Republicans who would dare use their positions of power and influence to…oh wait, wrong speech. Err, we’re going after all those extremist Catholics who try to hide behind their supposed Christian faith to get away with committing some really nasty hate thoughts.”
“Heck, these folks are against abortion! They think God doesn’t respect a woman’s right to choose! You can’t think that! Not in America, at least! Same thing for umm…well all the other nasty stuff. That they think, I mean. Gotta stop it, Jack! So that’s why the FBI is going after these ummm, after all those who think or preach hate. Except for Muslims.”