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Anheuser-Busch CEO Says CIA “Made Him” Hire Dylan Mulvaney

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Before he was the CEO of Anheuser-Busch, Brendan Whitworth was a CIA operative. Interesting how that works, it’s not like the CIA is know for pushing leftist subversion around the world, from Iran to Rhodesia, Russia to South Africa…oh, wait.

    So yeah, it makes sense that a CIA operative would try to use a well-known beer brand to push leftist subversion. But Whitworth ostensibly left the CIA years ago, why now?

    Well, it turns out that they still had their hooks in him. Posting a video from a boat at a location he described only as “somewhere where the goons won’t find me,” Whitworth said:

    “So, look. I’m not a bad guy. I used to be a Marine, then helped track down terrorists for a bit, then eventually ended up selling beer. Dream job, right? You’d think. But that’s not what happened. It turns out, the CIA was pulling the strings behind the scenes ever since I left the agency. They wanted me to end up controlling Bud Light, wanted  ‘their guy’ on the inside.

    “And I didn’t know it at first. I didn’t know what was going on, I thought I was just lucky. But then they showed up a few weeks ago. The black SUVs pulled right on up to the front of the building, just like would happen in a movie. A dozen or so burly looking men in black suits and ties got out, followed by two of the weakest looking creatures you’ve ever seen.

    “They all walked inside and, without even pausing, walked right on through the corporate headquarters and into my office. One of the creatures, I couldn’t tell what gender, pressed the button on my office phone to hang it up in the middle of a conversation I was having with our top supplier. They then informed me that Bud Light would be bringing Dylan Mulvaney on as a partner and all of our advertising would have him–I mean her–whatever, in it. Then the other leaned in and said ‘Don’t mess with us…remember what happened to Kennedy. Remember what happened to Epstein. If you get cold feet, soon your whole body will be cold and six feet under…’

    “They then walked out and, terrified, I put the partnership in motion. What was I to do? I wanted to live…I wasn’t ready to die. But then I realized what we had done and I…I had to flee. I couldn’t do it any longer. I couldn’t push this on America any longer.”

    The video then ended, with nothing heard from him since. A flight tracker, however, tracked an agency aircraft out of Langley and 300 miles out into the Atlantic, then in a straight line back to a suspected agency airfield. So it stands to reason that AB InBev will soon have a new, more cooperative CEO.

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