NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Following the tragedy in Uvalde, Texas, Americans of every stripe and political affiliation are looking for answers. Not only do they want to know why it happened and how such a tragedy could happen, they also want to know how to stop such events from happening in the future.
AOC, the entirely estimable representative from New York, believes she has the answer: according to her, the mass shooting problem can be solved not with gun control, armed school guards, or better locks on doors. No, according to her, what America needs to do is stop eating meat on Mondays.
Speaking on that in a speech she gave to a crowd of hipsters that definitely want to date her, AOC said:
“Like, guys, errr, people, yeah, people, we know that obviously climate change is like really bad. Way worse than like a bunch of other stuff.
“But what many people, even people who are like, totally on our side, don’t realize is that climate change makes bad things happen. It’s like totally the heat caused by global warming and stuff that makes people go loco and like act badly, which is why we saw those lootings and things for racial justice out in California [she was referring to flash looting mobs] last summer. Not that racial justice is bad, it’s great.
“Anyway, it’s the climate change that’s making these shootings happen, so what we need to do is like totally stop climate change by, you know, like not eating meat and stuff. Cow farts produce like a bunch of methane and, you know, stuff like that that makes Earth get way too hot. I don’t even know how much.
“So, to stop that and prevent mass shootings, I feel like we need to start having meatless Mondays so that people eat like way less meat and stuff and there’s less methane from cow farts going into the air.”
The crowd roared with applause, but not everyone, even on the left, was convinced that “meatless Mondays” would stop mass shootings.
Carnivore diet fan and confirmed meat eater Joe Rogan, for example, sounded off about the idea on Twitter, saying “This has to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and I get high and drunk to talk to people about aliens. Meat is a good thing, particularly nutrient-dense organ meat. If we want people to be healthy, they need to to be eating at least two ounces of chicken or beef livers every day at lunch.”
Trump, being about as blunt but from a different angle, posted on Truth Social about the idea, saying “If we just shot the school shooters, then this wouldn’t be a problem! We don’t need meatless Monday, we need more guns!”
AOC fired back, claiming that both men were being “racist” in “ignoring the lived experience of a BIPOC”.