NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden (or, more likely, one of his handlers), decided that he would host a live-streamed, FDR-style “fireside chat” on gun violence and gun control on Sunday night, during which he would speak about his plans to ban AR-15s.
Predictably, though Biden was able to get through the first ten minutes or so well enough, things began to go downhill once the stimulants wore off and his three or so brain cells were left to function on their own. At that point, he said:
“Hell yeah we’re gonna start taking AR-14s, Jack! What, you think the average Joe, ha, no pun intended, is smart enough or responsible enough to own one of those weapons of war? As if the Founding Fathers would have let an average person own a musket or cannon! No way, Jack!
“So, because the average American is way too irresponsible and can’t be trusted to own a…a….a…one of those things that shoots like a bazilliion bullets a second, we’re…uhhh….”
At that point, his brain locked up and, confused, he reached for his water bottle. However, before his staffers could intervene, he knocked the water bottle on the floor and scrambled around on the ground to get it.
Popping back up from behind the desk, at which point the feed had quite surprisingly still not been cut, he held a black leather briefcase.
Muttering “maybe my juice is in here,” Biden popped it open and saw a big red button.
“Gotcha Jack, it’s juice time,” he said, pressing on the button and smiling like a maniac, excited to get some apple juice.
But no apple juice appeared. Rather, red lights in the White House started flashing and black suit-clad men rushed into the room, dragging Biden and the briefcase away from the desk as the feed was cut and air-raid sirens blared.
Confused, people online started researching what happened and finally found out after a leak from within the White House told the NYP that Biden had pressed the nuclear button and, though a second person was needed to launch the missiles, the order had been seen by the Russians and NatSec personnel were worried that Putin would “preemptively retaliate.”
Putin, speaking on the incident later, said that perhaps Biden should hold off on “attacking the fundamental rights of his citizens while accusing Russia of doing the same” but vowed that he would “never be the one to start a nuclear exchange.”
Biden, napping, declined to respond, though his new press secretary accused Peter Doocy of being “racist” and “homophobic” (she’s black and gay) when he asked about the incident and what the White House had done to prevent a similar incident from occurring in the future.
Hunter Biden, for his part, offered to help by selling the briefcase to Red China, an idea that General Milley appeared to be strongly in support of.