NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It’s 2024 and Taylor Swift has been in the headlines every single day for months now in what is obviously a concerted media effort to make her more popular than ever before the election so that she can save Biden. But now Biden is saving her after a massive scandal involving sexually explicitly, AI-generated pictures of her that went viral on X. After months of relative inaction as normal people complained about the problem, Team Biden went ballistic and announced an overwhelming sanctions response to the scandal.
Doing so, the Biden Administration releases a description of a big executive order inbound to regulate the AI apparatus and make it more difficult for bad actors to use the AI programs for such purposes. Announcing it, the Biden Administration said:
The Executive Order directed a sweeping range of actions within 90 days to address some of AI’s biggest threats to safety and security. These included setting key disclosure requirements for developers of the most powerful systems, assessing AI’s risks for critical infrastructure, and hindering foreign actors’ efforts to develop AI for harmful purposes. To mitigate these and other risks, agencies have:
Used Defense Production Act authorities to compel developers of the most powerful AI systems to report vital information, especially AI safety test results, to the Department of Commerce. These companies now must share this information on the most powerful AI systems, and they must likewise report large computing clusters able to train these systems.
Proposed a draft rule that proposes to compel U.S. cloud companies that provide computing power for foreign AI training to report that they are doing so. The Department of Commerce’s proposal would, if finalized as proposed, require cloud providers to alert the government when foreign clients train the most powerful models, which could be used for malign activity.
Completed risk assessments covering AI’s use in every critical infrastructure sector. Nine agencies—including the Department of Defense, the Department of Transportation, the Department of Treasury, and Department of Health and Human Services—submitted their risk assessments to the Department of Homeland Security. These assessments, which will be the basis for continued federal action, ensure that the United States is ahead of the curve in integrating AI safely into vital aspects of society, such as the electric grid.
Continuing, Team Biden then noted that the new regulations are a direct response to what happened to Taylor, saying, “What happened to Ms. (hopefully soon Mrs.!) Swift was entirely unacceptable. No young woman should ever have to put up with such vile images being created and spread online, and we are taking immediate action to stop this sort of despicable behavior and save Taylor from future embarrassment.”
“Further, we look forward to having her speak at a Biden rally in the upcoming weeks to informal Americans of how Team Biden is fighting for the rights of women around the world. This is a big deal, and we’re not going to let online trolls target Taylor any longer.”