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Biden Announces “Hugs and Kisses” Campaign to Free Americans Kidnapped by Mexican Cartels

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    It was another bad day for the Biden Administration, this time thanks to the Mexican cartels. More specifically, it was thanks to the no-good, very-bad, insanely weak response that the Biden Administration had to those cartels. Instead of standing tall and strong and declaring that it would fight against them, it decided on a “hugs and kisses” campaign to get American families back.

    That was kicked off by White House Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre. She, when announcing the campaign during the press conference, first said:

    So, I have a statement here that I want to read out to all of you.

    We are closely following the assault and kidnapping of four U.S. citizens in Matamoros, Mexico. These sorts of attacks are unacceptable. Our thoughts are with the families of these individuals, and we stand ready to provide all appropriate consular assistance.

    U.S. law enforcement is in touch with Mexican law enforcement. The Departments of State and Homeland Security are also coordinating with Mexican authorities. And we will continue to coordinate with Mexico and push them to bring those responsible to justice.

    And, again, our hearts with — are with the families.

    She then decided to play a short videotape of Biden speaking about the incident and what the American response to it would be. Shocking millions of Americans with his response, Biden said:

    “Look, nobody likes the cartels. The last fellow in office sure painted them as some nasty fellows that sure as heck did some mean things to lots of people. And that’s true, Jack, it really is. But what he left out is that they’re like that because of racism. Had they been treated with more understanding, compassion, and forgiveness, we’d have a very different situation right now.

    “You see, they hate us because of our meanness. They know that Americans look down on them. They sure as heck know that you’re not a fan of them. But if you were more understanding, if you announced that you wanted to work with them rather than against them, then they might change their minds. They might see that it’s better to work with America than against it, that we’re the good guys not a collection of mean racists.

    “So that’s what we need to do Jack. Hugs and kisses, not bombs and bullets.”

    Biden then, when giving the speech, started mumbling about applesauce and asking if the “nice cartel gentleman in the waiter’s costume” (a Navy steward of Hispanic heritage), could bring him a “nice snack.” So, KJP cut the speech before he started rambling to make him seem more competent and sentient.

    The cartels, for their part, did not respond well to the Biden remarks. Instead they captured 12 more Americans and promised to hug and kiss them.

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