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Biden Announces Hunter Has Hepatitis from Crack Needles on “National Hepatitis Testing Day”

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    For whatever reason, President Joe Biden decided that now is the time to start worrying about Hepatitis. At a time when inflation is ravaging the economy, his idiotic policies are pushing us toward a two-front WWIII, and a debt crisis is looming…Hepatitis is what he is releasing proclamations on. In the proclamation released this morning, he said:

    Thousands of Americans die every year of viral hepatitis — infections of the liver that can be managed or cured if patients know they are infected and can get treatment.  On National Hepatitis Testing Day, we urge Americans to get tested and recommit to ensuring that those who are diagnosed can receive lifesaving care.

         Viral hepatitis is a hidden epidemic.  For those with hepatitis C, which spreads through contact with infected blood and is the most common strain, it can be years between the time someone is infected and when they first present symptoms, leaving far too many unaware that they are sick.  This can further spread the virus, delay treatment, and lead to serious liver disease — including cirrhosis, liver failure, liver cancer, and even death.  Pregnant women with untreated hepatitis C can also pass the virus on to their newborns.  It disproportionately affects Black Americans and Native Americans, who too often cannot access quality health care, and it is more common among those experiencing homelessness and those who are incarcerated as more than a third of people in a jail or prison can be positive at a given time.  The good news is that we now have a cure for hepatitis C that is 95 percent effective — but its high cost, among other factors, has kept it from many of the more than 2 million Americans in need.

    […]We are also taking steps to prevent hepatitis B — the second most common strain of the virus among adults, which can lead to premature death in 15 to 25 percent of cases.

    That’s when things took an unpleasant turn. Adding to the last part, he said:

    “And, you know, that’s what Hunter has. Yep, got it from sharing crack needles with strangers that didn’t have his sense of proper hygiene, if you know what I mean. Who knew you could get it from that? But, anyway, he’s fine now. Get it? He got treatment…you know, what’s needed, and now all is well. He’s got the medicine he needs, saw the right doctor, and no more hepatitis. Went away like his crack addiction after he got the proper treatment for his illness.

    “So that’s what we’re encouraging you to do. Even if medicine is more expensive now because of Putin’s inflation, or whatever, you really need to head on over and get your hepatitis treated so you can be a healthy, functional adult like Hunter.”

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