NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
During a recent speech on the campaign trail in which he claimed go be a big supporter of Israel amidst his administration’s boycott of Israeli businesses due to unpleasantness in Gaza, Biden first tried to pass himself off as a big supporter of the state. He said:
And, you know, one of the interesting things is that he used to talk about how it was impossible for the Israelis to — excuse me — the Germans not to know what was going on. And so, he convinced me before he di- — long before he died: The one thing I’ve done, I’ve taken every one of my children to Dachau and every one of my grandchildren, because I wanted them to see — I wanted them to see those beautiful homes along the fence line with the beautiful roofs and lovely homes, and they’d pretend they didn’t know. But they knew. And I wanted my kids to understand how — how that happened. Now, I’ve taken every one of my — my three children — Beau was alive at the time — as well as my grandchildren. I have eight grandchildren; I have two to go. They’re too young. But, by the way, they’re even trying to change a little bit of what Dachau looked like at the time. It’s much more sanitized than it was.
But the point I’m trying to make is: There’s been an unbreakable bond we’ve had with Israel. Our relationship is defined by a genuine friendship. It’s defined by a shared interest and shared democratic values. And America is the only nation, in my view — and some of you heard me say this before — that was founded on an idea. Every other nation has been founded based on geography, ethnicity, religion, and whatever.We’re the only one that — I apologize to the press for hearing me say this so many times — but we’re the only nation in the world founded on an idea. Nothing else unites us but that idea. And it’s one that we say that we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights — life, liberty, et cetera.
Then came the important part that shows what he’s actually up to: “But, listen. No one deserves a blank check. That was the big lesson of World War I! A big, bad war! Very bad, trenches were mean! Like Cornpop, he was a bad dude. But…ummm…well, like I was saying, no blank checks. And much as I support Israel and want AIPAC to support me, what’s going on in the Gaza place is some nasty business. Or so Ilhan Omar tells me. Like, up, well it’s bad. Lots of dead people.”
“So,” he continued, “what we need to do is get them to listen to us when we politely ask them to stop you know, bombing the Palestinian fellows. Makes sense, don’t it? Don’t matter who launched the first rocket. So, well, much as love Israel we gotta boycott it. That’s just the way it is.”