NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Speaking during his recent State of the Union address, President Biden focused heavily on defending “our democracy” in the Ukraine, even going so far as to say that all funding would be stripped of the Border Patrol and delivered to the Ukrainians.
Beginning with a bizarre reference to World War II, he said, “Mr. Speaker, Madam Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans. In January 1941, Franklin Roosevelt came to this chamber to speak to the nation. And he said, “I address you at a moment unprecedented in the history of the Union”. Hitler was on the march. War was raging in Europe. President Roosevelt’s purpose was to wake up Congress and alert the American people that this was no ordinary time. Freedom and democracy were under assault in the world.”
Continuing, he added, “Tonight, I come to the same chamber to address the nation. Now it’s we who face an unprecedented moment in the history of the Union. And, yes, my purpose tonight is to wake up the Congress and alert the American people that this is no ordinary moment either. Not since President Lincoln and the Civil War have freedom and democracy been under assault at home as they are today.”
That’s when he started rambling about “our democracy” abroad, saying, “What makes our moment rare is that freedom and democracy are under attack at — both at home and overseas at the very same time. Overseas, Putin of Russia is on the march, invading Ukraine and sowing chaos throughout Europe and beyond. If anybody in this room thinks Putin will stop at Ukraine, I assure you: He will not. But Ukraine — Ukraine can stop Putin. Ukraine can stop Putin if we stand with Ukraine and provide the weapons that it needs to defend itself. That is all — that is all Ukraine is asking. They’re not asking for American soldiers. In fact, there are no American soldiers at war in Ukraine, and I’m determined to keep it that way. But now assistance to Ukraine is being blocked by those who want to walk away from our world leadership.”
Then, announcing his radical new plan for defending the Ukraine at America’s expense, he said, “Now, we must recognize that our democracy must be defended! Look, folks, our democracy is under attack in Ukraine. It is! They need help, if the President that banned opposition political parties and the Orthodox Church is going to be supported as he fights so honorably and desperately for democratic norms!”
“So, that’s why I am announcing a massive new spending package that will arm the Ukrainian army as it fights for our democracy against the Russians. But, with Congress not appropriating any new money because of the phantom menace of the deficit, I have to find those billions somewhere. Fortunately I found a spot where we can trim the fat: border stuff. America’s border need not be defended. The worst that happens is that Mexico blesses us with more diversity and makes our democracy even stronger. So I have stripped all funding from the Border Patrol and am writing the check for Mr. Zelensky!”
All the RINOs cheered with thunderous applause.