NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden’s office recently tried to have Biden give a short and to the point pro-firefighter statement on National Wildland Firefighter Day, but things went wrong when Biden tried improvising and ended up admitting that Hunter started a forest fire with his crack pipe. He began by giving the usual sort of statement on firefighters and national service, saying:
Today, on National Wildland Firefighter Day, I join Americans across the country in expressing deep gratitude for our wildland firefighters and support personnel who heroically protect our communities and natural resources from wildfires. National Wildland Firefighter Day takes place during the Week of Remembrance that is held annually from June 30 to July 6 which serves as a moment for the entire Nation to reinforce our commitment to wildland firefighter safety, as we remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice.
We also celebrate our wildland firefighting teams who are currently making an impact and helping keep communities safe in Canada, as they battle a historically difficult start to their wildfire season. Through the National Interagency Fire Center, we have deployed almost 1,300 Federal and State firefighters, support personnel, and significant firefighting assets, such as airtankers and advanced technology support, to help our Canadian allies.
This week, we also honor the lives of firefighters who have fallen in the line of duty, like the 19 Granite Mountain Hotshot firefighters who died fighting the Yarnell Hill Fire in Arizona ten years ago. Their sacrifice — and that of too many others — drives us to renew our commitment to wildland firefighter safety. Recognizing the service of our wildland firefighting teams on this day is especially important because we continue to ask more of them year after year. Since taking office, I have traveled to communities across the country that have been impacted by historic wildfires. I’ve met with firefighters working night and day to keep their communities safe, as fires get larger, more intense, and more difficult to control because of climate change.
That’s when the improvisation started. Biden attempted to apologize to and make peace with the firefighters, saying, “And look here: I get that there’s a lot of…of…well, the fire that Hunter started was hot. And it burned some trees and a few of you fellas got burned or…well, scorched and uhh, umm, hot from the uhh, fire. Well, he’s very sorry about that. He didn’t mean to start it. Was just trying to relieve some tension with his crack pipe and it, well, it slipped through his fingers when he was relaxing and some of the crack embers might have started the fire.”
“But you fellows stopped it! So very good job with that. It was very impressive.”
Predictably, the firefighters were furious. They did not know that the fire in which two of them were killed and 4 injured by a roaring blaze had been started by Hunter, who hasn’t been fined, much less arrested, for starting the roaring blaze.