NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
As World War III looks more likely than ever thanks to a suspected US team or US/Polish team blowing up the Nordstream pipelines off the coast of Denmark and destroying them for good, Team Biden has come out swinging to combat rumors.
Not rumors that the US was behind the attack, mind you. Though not openly admitted yet, Team Biden must want the world to think that the US was behind the attack, as it hasn’t yet denied being behind the shocking attack on the Russian pipelines or explained what a US battlegroup was doing a few kilometers away from the scene of the attack, where it was supposedly testing new, underwater equipment.
No, the rumors Team Biden has been fighting are rumors that a nuclear war with the Russkies would be a bad thing. Speaking on that was the gay, Satanist, transgender Team Biden “nuclear policy expert,” a 350-pound biological male who appeared for a press briefing wearing a full beard and low-cut dress. He/She/It/Weirdo, speaking about nuclear war, said:
“The problem isn’t that nuclear war might occur. The problem is instead that there is lots of information floating around about what a nuclear war might look like, falsely and very viciously claiming that nuclear war might be a bad thing. That is a very reactionary, backwards view that looks only at the material state of things without considering the state of climate change and how it might be effected by nuclear war.
“While many people might die, and that is sad and not ideal, focusing solely on that ignores the fact, and this is a fact, that a nuclear winter would probably stop climate change.
“I mean, just think: if millions upon millions of tons of ash and soot are thrown into the sky, all that soot and ash will block out those rays from the angry sun monster. It won’t be able to heat us up and burn people or make things uncomfortable anymore, but will rather cool off the world. That’s a good thing that we’re cooled off. It means that climate change has stopped, and climate change is the greatest enemy of us all.”
The transgender satanist then proceeded to start dancing around on stage after putting on a goat’s head mask, which creeped out even the CNN reporters present, and the room emptied out as people got away from the Satanists as quickly as possible.
Putin countered the speech by calling it “insane” and saying that he doesn’t want nuclear war and will not start one, but that “a nuclear attack on America that turns it to cinders might be a good thing, as it would mean eradicating a nation that makes devil-worshippers the head of its nuclear policy.”