NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
In a highly embarrassing, but some say necessary, move following his return from a disastrous trip to Saudi Arabia, President Biden auctioned off the gas can he used to beg the Saudis for oil off to American consumers, many of whom are unable to find gas thanks to his anti-energy policies.
The 5-gallon jerry can sold for a whopping $43 dollars, money which Biden proudly proclaimed would be used to provide a free puberty blocker treatment to an “at risk, impoverished transgender youth.”
Commenting on the auction, an event that many described as beneath the dignity of an American president, Biden said:
“Look, Jack, I get that it looks weird for me to be selling people gas. I get it! Heck, I’d sure as hell prefer the darn Saudis would just sell us the oil we need so that we don’t have to do any of this. Got it?
“But they wouldn’t start selling oil, even after I had Hunter go over there and talk to them! I don’t know why, but they just don’t seem to….”
Biden then stopped talking and had to be directed back to his podium after wandering off, where he started speaking again and said:
“Anyway, like I was saying before I took that sip of water, they just don’t seem to respect America anymore. Who knows why, though I think it’s Trump’s fault, but they just don’t!
“So they wouldn’t sell more oil, though they did fill up this oil can that I brought on over there, giving me a fist bump after filling it up. So I brought back five gallons of gas and figured we might as well sell it to help out, particularly now that I sold all of our strategic stockpile to the Chinese.
“Anyway, Jack, now ya have gas!”
Biden then wandered off, reportedly to go to bed for the day. (It was 5 pm)
Commenting on the ridiculous speech and situation, Trump said that he was “highly respected” by the “very nice people” in Saudi Arabia and that, though “America didn’t need their help because it was pumping more oil than ever,” he was sure that the “Saudis would have been happy to help” him out and pump more oil as necessary to keep prices low.
Putin commented on the issue too, asking non-NATO nations why they would align with the “fools in the United States” that are “sending a senile fool to negotiate on their behalf like Caligula sending his horse to the Senate” and encourging them to side with Russia and it’s well-managed economy over the “blithering, broke idiots” in the United States.
After hearing that and watching the spectacle of Biden auctioning off a jerry can full of gas, many cut ties with the US and fled its power bloc to join the Russians.