NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
It was recently announced that Team Biden has decided to ban Juul, the popular e-cig beloved by college kids and recent grads around the nation, demanding that tobacco shops stop selling the devices and the popular pods for them.
“But why?”, many people asked. “Why would Biden want to ban what’s largely a safer, less expensive, and less polluting alternative to smoking?”
Some bickering back and forth happened, with those who think Biden is a China hawk arguing that the decision came because Biden is furious the Juul pods are manufactured in China. That argument was quickly shot down by others who pointed out that other vape devices, almost all of which are made in China, are still available.
Others jumped in to argue that the real issue is whether the devices are popular or not, and that Biden banned Juul because it’s the popular device responsible for getting many teens hooked on productivity-enhancing nicotine, and that as a Democrat Biden doesn’t want people to be productive.
Then the real reason leaked out: it’s all about those crack pipes.
You see, it’s not that Biden minds people smoking, he just cares what they’re smoking. Furious at Virginians, who come from a state originally built on tobacco wealth, for being so haughty compared to people from his native Delaware, Biden wants to stop people from smoking to teach Virginians a lesson.
And so he is banning the popular forms of tobacco consumption, starting with Juul and cigarettes.
But he knows people like smoking things, and so he’s looking to kill two birds with one stone by bringing back the “free crack pipe” program that he and his son Hunter had come up with months ago but that had to be quickly shut down after the right-leaning press slammed the program for handing out free crack pipes.
Now, with Juul gone and cigs soon to go the way of the dino, Biden will start the crack pipe program back up again, using the vast stockpile of high-end crack pipes that Hunter procured to get Americans hooked on crack rather than tobacco.
A source within the White House adds that Biden might not have gone along with the plan if he knew how dangerous crack is but that, because of Hunter’s parmesan story (Hunter smoked parmesan cheese in the hope that some of it was crack), is convinced that crack is “just cheese” and therefore that it’s a healthy alternative to tobacco.
Hunter, keen on the idea of crack handouts and his hobby no longer being seen as so low-class if everyone gets into it, has encouraged that view, repeatedly bringing up how he loved the high he’d get from parmesan coated in “the right stuff.”
Sadly, Biden, who says Hunter is the “smartest person [he] know[s]”, put lots of stock in that opinion and is thus embarking on the “smoke crack not Juul” program.