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Biden Bans Menthol Cigs to Strike Back at Cornpop

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    In a bold move sure to infuriate some parts of his liberal base, particularly some of the members of the minority coalition that generally supports him, Biden and his administration have taken a bold step forward, pledging to ban menthol cigarettes.

    The decision has already drawn the ire of some in the African-American community, as the Hill reported (this part of an otherwise satirical piece is real), saying:

    The Biden administration’s move to ban menthol cigarettes has the Black community split, with the ban’s supporters arguing it promotes a healthier lifestyle and its critics arguing it unfairly targets Black Americans and could lead to injustices and policing issues. 

    The White House has heard from both sides of the debate on the Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) ban, which could have a major impact on the tobacco industry. 

    While its proponents say the ban will save lives, opponents warn of its potential impact on Black smokers, who overwhelmingly prefer menthol cigarettes, and include law enforcement members who warn it could put undue pressure on police grappling with higher crime rates.

    Well, while the debate over whether or not menthols should be banned was already contentious, it got even more so when Biden announced the “why” behind the menthol cigarrette banning plan.

    According to his most recent speech on the subject, the reason behind the move wasn’t the promotion of health in the black community or striking a blow at the hated Big Tobacco companies, but rather revenge on Cornpop, against whom Brandon has long plotted. He said as much in his speech, saying:

    “Well, Jack, it’s revenge time! Cornpop was a bad dude all those years ago when I, like a heroic knight from those books, defended the Delaware pool from Cornpop and the rest of those thugs.

    “Guess what they were smoking at the time…menthols! They were smoking Camel Crushes, baby!”

    The president then started doing that weird whispering thing he does and continued, saying “That’s right. Cornpop, Cornflake, and all those other bad dudes were smoking menthol cigarettes when they harassed me at the pool, so now I’m getting payback. I have it on good authority from the guy in the black suit [presumably the CIA/NSA/DIA/some combination thereof] that Cornpop is still rippin darts, so I’m gonna steal that bit of joy from his life!”

    It was the most animated anyone had seen Biden in a while, something the Democrats used as proof that he’s not yet senile. “See,” Nancy Pelosi said, “he can still take revenge on Cornpop: he knows who Cornpop is and how to get at him! His brain is working perfectly fine.”

    Hunter, however, was furious, as he’s found menthol cigarettes to be an excellent way to counter his crack breath, particularly when spending time with prostitutes of the sort seen in the photos on his laptop.

    Cornpop could not be reached for comment, as no one knows who that is or where he is.

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