NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Biden, a man who hasn’t been particularly articulate for a long time, has gotten even worse at speaking recently, with his brain seemingly melting every time he needs to mumble out more than a few syllables.
The White House has tried everything to fix the problem, from cranking the text size up on the teleprompter “to 11” to giving him stimulants all day before he has to speak. They’ve tried nap times, more coffee, fewer carbs, more exercise, and everything else that could possibly get Biden more focused on speaking correctly, all of it to no avail.
So now, firmly convinced that Biden just can’t be fixed, the White House has taken a different tack and is blaming Putin for Biden’s inability to speak.
Pentagon spokesman John Kirby was the Team Biden apparatchik chosen to comment on that. He, speaking at a short press event while Biden got in his eighth nap of the day, said:
“Well President Biden is obviously a very articulate and intelligent man, so the blame certainly isn’t on him for some recent gaffes and blunders regarding things such as the US policy toward Taiwan, how much baby formula is being imported, or whether he got ‘all A’s’ in law school.
“No, after further analysis of his brain waves and what is going on in the White House, we’ve determined that Putler, err…umm, Putin, excuse me, is to blame for the President’s inability to speak like a normal, sentient, reasonable person.
“In fact, we’ve had to install lead shields all around the president’s quarters, nap room, and the Oval Office to prevent the Russian microwave rays from penetrating the White House and scrambling his brain. Though we haven’t yet determined the source of those rays, which we believe to be coming from the same ‘Havana Syndrome’ device, we are firmly committed to stopping those Russian provocateurs, whatever the cost.”
Left unmentioned by Kirby was the recent report in Darren Beattie’s Revolver News, which found that the “Havana Syndrome” was really just State Department staffers getting hungover and annoyed by the sound of insects like crickets outside the embassy.
Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin, responding to the accusations in a speech to the Duma, the Russian legislature, said:
“Obviously we are not shooting microwaves at the head of the senile American president. The Americans are watching too many of those Bond movies. In reality, all that is happening is that those idiots elected a senile old man to be their president and now are watching Mr. Senility act a fool while trying to mumble something about how terrible we in Russia are. We are not to blame, the foolish, insouciant American voter is.”
The Duma responded with uproarious applause, the applause much louder than any that has accompanied one of Biden’s halting, obviously scripted but then misread, statements.