NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Vice President Kamala Harris today gave a speech to a collection of student athletes and their families about the importance of athletics to college campuses and the positive effects that the hard work, dedication, and talent shown by such student athletes can have on college campuses.
So far as Kamala’s speeches go, it was less bad than normal. But it went from “wow she’s not doing the word salad thing this time” to “uh oh” just a few paragraphs in, when President Biden stood up, pointed at a student, and started yelling about Cornpop.
That came shortly after Kamala began, as she spoke about what student athletes can do and how they help bring campuses and people together, saying:
In America, tens of millions of children start playing a sport as a child. Only the best of the best become a national champion, and that is you all. And I know it wasn’t easy. You made tremendous sacrifices — training through injuries, birthdays, vacations, and even a pandemic. You know, all of you, what it means to commit and to persevere.
And we know that so often, during the course of a long season, sports teams also become a family. You develop life-long relationships. You demonstrate teamwork and character. You make the people around you better in every way. You are leaders. You are role models. And, of course, you are champions. And college sports, in particular, have a special way — a very special way — of bringing people together: connecting us to our home states and our colleges; connecting us to family traditions, friends, and fellow fans; connecting us to something bigger. When you take the court, you inspire so many across our country — people you may never meet — not only because of how you play but because of who each of you is every day. You remind all of us of what we can achieve when we work hard and strive with ambition.
At the point when she started talking about remembering and reminders, Biden was reminded of his feud as a young man with a Delaware gang leader supposedly named “Corn Pop.” And so he, standing up from his seat and pointing at an African-American student athlete and his family, said, “I remember you Corn Pop! Don’t think I don’t because I do and that’s a fact, Jack. We’re sick and tired of your nonsense and I’ll teach you a lesson with this here chain (he was not, in fact, holding a chain) if you don’t get the hell outta this pool before I make you! Got it?!”
He then sat back down, relaxed again and looking like nothing was going on. The audience was, as is typical for Biden, stunned into silence, and Kamala did her awkward cackle before trying to continue with her speech.