NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
How are things going in Biden’s brain? Well, truth be told, there’s not much going on in there at all. But, what few lonely cells still struggle to make something happen were apparently taking the day off during a recent speech he gave, as he decided to give a speech on how a ghost told him that Trump will end “our democracy.” Kicking off the speech with a long ramble about Europe, Biden said:
The fact is that, you know, this is an unusual time in American history. And a lot of you — I look out in the room — are students of American history and have impacted on it not in insignificant ways. And — but there’s a lot at stake. Every time I attend — I’ve had the honor of being vice president of the United States with Barack. And one of the reasons he asked me to do that job was because of my background in foreign policy, and I had traveled the world doing a lot of things, doing issues that were pertinent at the time.
And it’s — it’s interesting to me that the rest of the world is looking at what we’re doing in a way that I’ve never observed. Now, I know I don’t look it, but I’m over 40. (Laughter.) And I’ve been doing this a long time. But the last — whether it was the G20 or the G7 or whatever I’ve attended, I’ve spent over — I think they’ve keeping — they’re keeping the record in the — in the Intelligence Committee — I mean, intelligence service. I think I’ve done over 194 hours with just other heads of state — dealing with them. I mean, that’s all putting NATO together, making sure that we had some coherence of what we were doing.
And it’s interesting to hear — the first meeting I attended as president of the United States, it was in Great Britain with the G7 — in — in England. And I — I showed up, and we were all sitting — it was a bea- — beautiful setting overlooking the water. And — and I sat down, and I said, “Well, America is back.” And Macron looked at me and said, ”For how long? For how long?” Not a joke. This is a fact.
Continuing, he said, “And look, I had that same…that same discussion in a dream. There were a lot of people there. Winston Churchill. Ghandi. Patrice Lumumba. Heck, even that umm…well, MLK Jr. He was there too. He was! And what they told me is that we have to save America! We have to! If you’d been there when the ghosts were talking to me, you’d agree. What they…what they said was, that, umm, well, they said that if we don’t stop Trump now, then America is done!”
“God’s honest truth. That’s what they told me. And it was real as day. Real as a jelly donut. They were just standing there, these ghosts, and they told me that we have to save America’s umm… that we have to save our democracy from the bad orange man!”