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Biden Comes Up with Wacky New Metric for Calculating Unemployment to Make Dismal Data Look Better

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Team Biden recently released his “Remarks on Investing in America,” in which he claimed that everything is looking great in America economically, saying:

    I got a brief statement. I’ve called the members of Invest in America Cabinet. We — remember, last month, we had the first meeting, we broke out the Cabinet. But those Cabinet members have most responsibility for getting the major legislation we’ve passed up and running, and get shovels in the ground, get things moving, get projects underway.

    And to discuss the — what progress we’re making, it’s the second of those meetings. They’ve been working straight through. And about what we’re — how we’re growing the economy and — from the middle out and the bottom up.

    And so, this morning, we got some good news from the jobs report. We added 250,000 jobs last month. That’s on top of the 12 million jobs we’ve already added just since we came in office a little over two years ago.

    Unemployment rate is at 3.4 percent, which is the lowest in 50 years. Black [un]employment has hit a record low. And the really good news is working-age Americans are participating in the labor force at the highest rate in 15 years — not just since the pandemic, in 15 years. And the working-age women are participating at the highest rate in 75 years.

    Well, that surprised many people, as nearly everyone knows someone who is out of work and has been struggling to find a job, particularly now that the Fortune 500 companies are starting mass layoffs of useless, woke employees. So how did Biden end up at “3.4 percent” unemployment, a number that is historically very, very good?

    By changing the calculation for unemployment from “the percentage of people who are looking for work but can’t find it” to “people who have been looking for work for more than six months but can’t find it.” By adding that extra buffer, Biden shielded his administration from having to deal with the recent layoffs, obviously hoping that conditions will improve within the next few months so that those people currently unemployed aren’t counted. And, if they don’t, he can just keep adding a few more months to keep the real number hidden.

    Justifying the decision when asked about it, KJP said, “Well, look. Many people like to take a few months off after they’re laid off as a bit of a vacation or whatever. But, well, they’ll say that, like, they’re looking for work so that they don’t feel lazy. So should we really count those people? Probably not. They’re not really looking for work, so they’re not really unemployed. So we added the buffer period so that people who are just lying about their status so as to not feel lazy aren’t included.”

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